


my first and last

by hyuckleberry



Series: if only you liked me (if only you loved me) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Is Gay, Falling In Love, First Crush, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Panic, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Dreams, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, NCT Dream Ensemble-centric, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Teen Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-27 14:47:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14427753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckleberry/pseuds/hyuckleberry
Summary: in which chenle and jisung are each other's last first love.(p.s. the title is derived from nct's best title track: my first and last)





	1. oh maybe maybe, this is love

**Author's Note:**

> this story has been in my head for a while so i finally decided to put the plot down somewhere. i mean, i've tried before but it was loose tangles and ends of a story, half complete. i didn't know who i wanted the characters to be and i didn't think i could write it. 
> 
> but when i saw that vlive of chensung pretending to be therapists and chenle wore the cute hat and jisung had the specs on and chenle called jisung cute and jisung was like "no" and chenle was like "me?" and jisung just nodded GOD. i knew that i had to write it. i knew it had to be zhong chenle and park jisung and this is their story. 
> 
> so thank you for clicking on this and reading it. it means the world to me!
> 
> (ps. the italicized is in mandarin but the rest of the dialogue is spoken in korean!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8 years old: chenle moves to korea and meets jisung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa i know this chapter is short but it's just the first one! think of it as almost a prologue; the other chapters will be much longer!

**[ oh maybe maybe, this is love? ]**

_Oh maybe maybe_

_This might be love_

_I can already only see you_

_I’m scared that it’s not time yet_

_But I think it has come to me_

 

✰✰✰

 

When Zhong Chenle was very young, he came to discover that he is not like most other people his age. It wasn’t because he was super smart or extremely talented and he did not make such a discovery in a particularly happy way.

Zhong Meiqi and Zhong Chen are not ordinary people, therefore their son simply can’t be ordinary either. For as long as he can remember, his parents were never home for more than a week at a time, never would even come home without scary bodyguards near them and most certainly never let him outside of the home.

Chenle lived practically alone in a giant mansion for all his life, the only other people maids, babysitters, tutors and chefs but none of them were permanent. They all came and went, too blinded by the Zhongs’ massive fortune and fame, by the fact that their employers are the famous movie actor Zhong Chen and film director Zhong Meiqi, to properly do their job.

Until Chenle was 8, didn’t have anyone in his life he could say he’s known for longer than three months.

He might have been quiet and a little bit of a recluse even _if_ he wasn’t even ten yet but Zhong Chenle still had a dream, a wish. His only wish, for as long as he could remember, is for someone to be _his_. He wanted a person of his own, as strange as it sounds. He wanted someone that was his so they could always be with him and always love him and he’d never be lonely ever again.

When he was 7, for an entire month, he even tried to _dream_ such a person into reality. One of the books in his mother’s grand library spoke of such a possibility, of the creation of another being through one’s dreams. If you dreamed a person into existence, wouldn’t they be yours wholly and entirely?

It didn’t work. At some point he even began meeting a boy, one with freakishly large hands and a completely triangular, right angled nose. He sometimes was as old as Chenle, with black hair that was a flat mess across his forehead. Sometimes he was much younger, a toddler with uneven teeth and a red dinosaur jumper. Sometimes, the rarest of all, the boy would appear much _older_ than Chenle, almost a teenager, lanky and tall, a mess of pastel blue hair on his head. He looked like a blueberry during those dreams. Chenle decided from that moment on blueberries were his favorite fruit.

The one thing that never changed was the boy’s eyes. They were always warm and welcoming. They only looked at Chenle and never left him.

On his 8th birthday, both his parents miraculously were able to come home and the mansion was cleared of it’s workers but his parents found an eerie silence. A little boy lives here? Shouldn’t it be loud and chaotic?

After finding their son in his completely spotless and colorless bedroom just staring at his wall, they decided to ship him off to family in Korea.

And that’s where this story begins.

 

✰✰✰

 

When Chenle landed in Korea, his aunt, uncle and older cousin were waiting for him at the front of the airport. Mr. Huang was born in China and Zhong Meiqi’s biological brother. He met a Korean woman and moved there. They have one child named Huang Renjun (or as he’s known to Korea: Hwang Injun).

It was Chenle’s first time seeing Renjun since Christmas last year and he had gotten taller. His dark hair was straight but messy and his cheeks were red from the autumn air. He didn’t seem to like Chenle much compared to their last encounter, when Renjun had eagerly drawn Chenle as his favorite cartoon, _Moonmin_ , for his present. Chenle himself, thin and may be a little scared, wasn’t sure how he felt about the situation himself.

“ _Chenle!_ ” Uncle Yibo said as he enveloped Chenle in a big hug. His uncle is a very warm man, both physically and symbolically, smelling like bakery goods. “ _You’ve grown since the last time I saw you!_ ”

“ _Oh, thank you._ ” Chenle said mildly. He gave his uncle a small smile before his aunt hugged him and pinched his cheeks.

Both Huang parents turned to their 8 year old son who was skeptically staring at Chenle. They expectantly stared at him until he hugged Chenle, surprisingly with a great amount of affection.

“ _Chenle_ ,” Renjun said into his ear, “ _Welcome to Korea!_ ”

 

✰✰✰

 

School was a more complicated matter. Chenle had been homeschooled his entire life and knew little Korean so outside the Huang household, he couldn’t really communicate with anyone else. The Huangs arranged with the elementary school that Renjun-gē attended for Chenle be placed in a class of students a year younger than him. Chenle would be able to learn Korean easier and besides, he’d be the same age as most of the students for most of the year.

December 5th is a special day for Chenle, for it’s the first day he’d ever gone to school but to everyone else it’s absolutely ordinary. His Auntie had gotten up extra early to help him change into his uniform and made sure his tie was on correctly before placing him in a blue sweater and handing him his brand new yellow backpack. (Chenle decided hastily with his parents in China that he most certainly wanted a _yellow_ backpack and nothing else would suffice.)

His Uncle handed him a matching yellow lunch box, smelling suspiciously like freshly baked cookies from their bakery.

_Renjun-gē’s life is like this everyday?_ Chenle thought to himself, _I guess this is my life now too…_

The car ride was silent. Renjun-gē reads a fancy looking book that Chenle wouldn’t understand and Uncle Yibo hums to the music on the radio. Chenle silently notes that the streets in Seoul are smaller than the Shanghai but the air here is fresher and the sky was a little whiter.

The school building was bigger than Chenle would expect and snow was already beginning to cover the tops of the buildings everywhere. Chenle’s heart began beating quickly; he hadn’t realized how nervous he was until now.

Renjun said bye to Chenle quickly after showing him where his class was and Chenle fumbled with the translator hanging around his neck (there so he wouldn’t lose it). He felt a strange sadness at seeing his cousin leave with a boy with a wide all teeth smile and a cute round chin holding his hand.

The teacher recognized Chenle immediately and urged him into her classroom. She was pretty with black hair hanging at her jaw and pink lipstick. Chenle caught a couple of her words (hello and his name honestly) but the rest was a blur.

Before Chenle knew it, he stood in front of the classroom of big eyed 7-8 year olds, staring at him with a strange curiosity.

Chenle waited until the teacher stopped talking and everyone stared at him expectantly. Renjun-gē had rehearsed the sentences tirelessly with Chenle, until he had it completely memorized.

“Hello. I’m Zhong Chenle. I’m 8 years old and I’m from China.” Chenle took a shaky breath,  “It’s nice to meet you. I hope we can be friends.”

The classroom giggled slightly at his tone, which is doubtlessly stoic and unenthusiastic.

Mrs. Kim (the teacher) quieted her students down before pointing to one student as he raised his hand. Chenle didn’t even look at his face before running to his seat, his cheeks red from embarrassment.

The boy was quiet and Chenle didn’t turn to him until it was reading time and he turned to Chenle. That’s when it happened.

Surprisingly, Chenle understood what he said.

“Hi, I’m Park Jisung.” He said another stream of Korean quickly and waited for Chenle to respond. Chenle just nodded.

The boy beamed and suddenly everything was very still and very clear. This Park Jisung is very familiar and _very_ pretty. He has slightly uneven teeth, messy and flat black hair.

And freakishly large hands.

 

✰✰✰

 

School was very similar to tutoring for Chenle except for the fact that there were twenty extra people in the room. Chenle opened up his Mandarin to Korean textbook when the other students ate lunch and he quietly studied the cartoon dog that taught him colors.

The day was over as soon as it started and Chenle waited in front of his classroom for Renjun-gē, like he was told to. Surprisingly, Jisung does too and Chenle tries not to look at his face.

Eventually Renjun-gē came, the same boy with him. They were holding hands again.

“Ya, Jisung-ah.” The smile boy called and went over to ruffle Jisung’s hair.

“ _Hi Chenle,_ ” Renjun said and held his hand out for Chenle. The younger boy didn’t realize how nervous he had been all day until now. Chenle grasped Rejung’s hand gratefully. Renjun tugged him along, with the smile boy and Jisung on his other side.

“ _Mama won’t pick us up until 3:30, so_ Jaeminie _and I wanna go play at the park. Is that okay?_ ”

Renjun points to the smile boy, who is busy bothering Jisung. It seemed like all four of them were going to play at the park. Chenle nodded.

The park was a block away from the school and let Chenle hold his hand the entire way there. Jaemin and Renjun talked for most of the walk and Jisung was silent as he followed a stray cat in front of them.

Eventually, Chenle finds himself watching the gray cat and Jisung (but mostly the cat). The cat had pearly blue eyes that was a familiar shade to Chenle and it stared back at Chenle. The Chinese boy tugged away from Renjun when they arrived at the park and went down the hill to follow the cat. He didn’t realize a certain Park Jisung was following the cat too.

“ _Meow meow_ …” Chenle called at the cat and reached inside his yellow lunchbox for some leftover sweet bread his aunt had packed. “ _I have a snack for you kitty_.”

The pretty gray cat cheerfully ran to Chenle at the bribe and rubbed it’s head against Chenle’s knee.

Suddenly Jisung was next to him too.

“Goyangi (고양이).” Jisung said quietly, pointing at the cat. It blinked up prettily at Jisung.

Chenle realized as they both turned to him (the gray cat for more sweet bread and Jisung for a response) that they looked very alike. They both had pretty round eyes and delicate button noses, red at the tip from the cold. Both had flat and straight hair, a little overgrown and wet from the snow.

“Meow meow… goyangi (고양이)?” Chenle said slowly. Jisung smiled brightly at him and his eyes squinted shut. Jisung was really pretty when he smiled.

“Yes!” Jisung said. Chenle found himself smiling too.

Silently, he handed Jisung some sweet bread and they both fed the kitty until Auntie came and it was time for Renjun and Chenle to leave.

 

✰✰✰

 

Christmas was a lovely time of year. Usually Chenle would wait in his giant mansion for his parents to be done going to Christmas themed events in China before them coming home to give him an expensive present (a set of toy cars, an iPad or even designer clothes once) only to leave the next morning.

But Christmas in Seoul wasn’t like that.

His parents had indeed shipped him a present (a new iPad which he promised to share with Renjun) but he also got a card from his cousin and new shoes from his aunt and uncle. For some reason, Renjun’s messily drawn _Moonmin_ and cat (the _gray_ cat) meant the most

At school, the day before their break, reading time was replaced by an hour of arts and crafts that consisted of making glitter snowmen, decorating cookies and eating said cookies.

Chenle decorated his cookies red and green, with too many sprinkles. Jisung made his blue even though it isn’t a Christmas color but because it’s his favorite color. It’s Chenle’s favorite color too.

“Here, Lele,” Jisung said. He’s the only person to call Chenle ‘Lele’. “I-I made you a cookie!”

“M-me?” Chenle asked, pointing a glitter covered finger at himself.

“Yeah,” Jisung said, frowning down at his cookie. “I know it’s not as pretty as yours but I worked really hard, I– you don’t _have_ to take it…”

“No!” Chenle took the cookie from Jisung, handing Jisung _his_ red and green one. “I like it.”

“Wah… your’s is prettier.” Jisung said, looking at Chenle’s carefully decorated cookie.

(Chenle knew it wasn’t that great because the frosting had mixed together and it was an ugly brown color but appreciated Jisung’s kindness. He hoped Jisung ate it before Renjun-gē saw it and teased him.)

“I–” Chenle groaned, not knowing how to say it in Korean. “ _It’s what is on the inside that counts. All cookies are tasty_.”

“What?” Jisung asked, a little surprised at the sudden language change.

“I don’t know how to say it in Korean.” Chenle frowned.

“That’s okay, ask Renjun-hyung and tell me tomorrow.”

The next day when he told Jisung, the Korean boy’s entire faced burned crimson. He looked very cute blushing.

 

✰✰✰

 

In late February, on a weekend, Chenle was sitting alone in his and Renjun’s shared bedroom. He was finishing up his Korean workbook and he was finally able to communicate with Jisung and Mrs. Kim. It made him very happy.

Every Friday night, Chenle’s parents called him at 6:30 sharp, never a minute sooner or later. They spoke to him for an hour, sometimes with video chat and other times just through mobile calls. Meiqi and Chen Zhong were very pleased that their son wasn’t falling behind in his studies or unhappy, in fact, he seemed very bright.

It also helped that the Huangs were speaking to Chenle in Korean more and not just in Mandarin. They corrected his mistakes kindly and never scolded him. At some point, Renjun even started showing Chenle his favorite TV shows on the iPad they shared (but was sadly taken away after 7:00 PM). It consisted of various animes (with Korean dub but Mandarin subs) and _Moonmin_ (which was completely in Mandarin). They watched these shows everyday on Wednesday instead of going to the park after school, because Mrs. Huang could pick them up earlier.

Sometimes, Chenle wondered if Jisung would like the shows that Renjun showed Chenle, some of which Chenle began watching himself ( _Naruto_ ). Chenle wondered if Jisung considered them friends yet.

Renjun’s voice broke his thoughts as he stared down at his workbook.

“Come on, Chenle, we’re going out.”

“ _Gēgē_ – I mean hyung– where are we going?”

“Well _I_ was gonna go to the park but…”

He trailed off into a tangent of frustrated Korean sentences too quickly for Chenle to understand. Chenle just nodded along, a little worried about his cousin’s anger.

“ _Gēgē I don’t understand what y-you’re saying._ ” Chenle interrupted as he shrugged on his winter jacket.

Renjun just sighed and said simply, “ _We’re going to the park with Jaemin and Jisung_.”

Auntie packed them a small meal, or rather a large snack. She placed egg kimbap, muffins, apple juice boxes and macaroons into a bag and handed it to Renjun as they got into the car.

“ _There’s some for Jaeminie and Jisungie too._ ” Auntie said sharply, “ _Share with them because they don’t have a nice mommy to pack any for them_.”

Chenle raised his eyebrows at her words but Renjun seemed to brush it off quickly.

When they arrived at the park Jisung and Jaemin were already outside in the snow, packing together a misshaped ball at the end of the hill. The swing sets and slides were too frozen over to play on in the cold Korean February.

“Chenle! Injunnie!” Jaemin called and waved at them in excitement.

In the past couple months, Chenle has gotten to know the smile boy well. He is in Renjun’s class at school and they’ve known each other for a long time. Jaemin is nice to Chenle and doesn’t mind that his Korean is bad, but is very interested in learning Chinese.

Jisung came up to Chenle immediately and smiled at him.

“Sweet bread?”

“Mhm...” Chenle replied, taking Jisung gloved hand and leaving their hyungs behind as they decided to build a snowman. “For us and the cat.”

As always, they were looking for the gray cat with blue eyes. After a couple weeks, they realized that the cat lived near this park and even brought it a box and small blankets so it wouldn’t be cold in the winter.

“We should name him.” Jisung said suddenly as they searched for the familiar gray tail and blue pupils.

“Him? The cat could be a girl.” Chenle responded, tugging Jisung along.

“No. A boy. Jaemin-hyung says so.”

Chenle didn’t question it because Jaemin is older.

“Okay. What name?”

“I don’t know… what name do you like?”

“I like… Goku.”

“Goku… as in _Dragon Ball Z_ Goku?”

Chenle beamed at Jisung’s words. “Yeah! You watch too?”

“Renjunnie-hyung got Jaemin-hyung into it and Jaemin-hyung got me into it.”

“Renjunie-hyung got me into it too!”

“Goku it is.”

They continued their pursuit for the cat–for _Goku_ –for the next thirty minutes. Eventually, said Goku emerged from underneath the slides, the only place the park was dry. He ran up to Chenle first because he liked Chenle more (mostly because of Chenle feeding him), not that Chenle would tell Jisung that. Goku rubbed his head against their hands and ate small pieces of sweet bread.

They sat there for hours, Jisung teaching Chenle new Korean words like gobaeg (고백) and eating probably a pound worth of sweet bread and petting Goku. Jisung laughed a lot as Chenle tried to describe what the bread tasted like with his bare minimum Korean, english phrases and extravagant hand gestures. As Jisung spoke in tangents (a lot of which Chenle didn’t understand) Chenle watched his lips move.

“Jisungie,” Chenle said when Goku fell asleep in Jisung’s coat. “Are you and Jaemin-hyung brothers?”

“No.” Jisung said, almost sad. “But we live together and we’re family.”

“Do you have… do you have a mommy?” Chenle asked carefully.

“No.” Jisung said this time, actually sad and Chenle didn’t understand what he said next so he just hugged him until both of them fell asleep with Goku.

After a while, Jaemin’s loud voice was calling for them at the end of the hill.

“Aww… okay bye Goku, we’ll see you on Monday.” Jisung said.

He suddenly picked up the gray cat and placed a kiss on the cat’s nose. Goku didn’t like it very much and ran away quickly much to Jisung’s amusement but Chenle couldn’t bring himself to laugh.

His father, being an actor and married, has kissed many people. Once, while watching one of his recent movies Chenle had wondered what kissing meant and why people did it.

He realized as Jisung leaned down and his eyelashes fluttered against his squishy cheeks, why people kissed one another.

As they walked down the hill, Chenle stopped and tugged at Jisung’s sleeve.

“Jisungie, I want one too.” Chenle said.

“Want what?”

“Like Goku.”

Without another word, Jisung placed a feathery soft kiss on Chenle’s lips. They tingled a little.

(When Chenle would get older, he would tell himself it was from the cold on that day but he knows it wasn’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading babe, leave me kudos & comments !!


	2. i can already only see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11 years old: jisung goes on a date for the first time and chenle is upset. 
> 
> or alternatively,
> 
> puberty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i know this chapter is short but it's meant to be short, i even planned it like this in my outline. it's better not to force writing and write filler, i want to give y'all some quality chensung content oof !!
> 
> anyways i hope you enjoy!

**[ i can already only see you ]**

 

_Oh maybe maybe_

_This might be love_

_I can already only see you_

_I’m scared that it’s not time yet_

_But I think it has come to me_

 

✰✰✰

 

It’s three years later and Chenle is still is packed sweet bread everyday. Sadly, his cute yellow lunch box had ripped when Jisung decided to tickle Goku when they were 9 and the cat in a fit of panicked fury scratched the yellow fabric to scraps. Jisung apologized to Chenle relentlessly and even brought Chenle a flower (a vibrant yellow sunflower that he had stolen from the small garden in front of the school) but Chenle told him to apologize to Goku instead. The gray cat was so traumatized that he wouldn’t let Jisung come near him for a month, even with an entire loaf of sweet bread in his hand.

Chenle had gotten used to living in Korea. It’s a calm and steady life. He picked up the language surprisingly quick, much to Renjun’s delight (“Now I won’t be used as a human translator anymore.” He had said when Chenle closed the last children’s Korean workbook) and can even make jokes and conversate easily in Korean now. A language that once seemed so foreign was much easier to understand.

Jisung, in particular out of the small group of people Chenle spent time with daily, was excited when Chenle stopped carrying around the translator. He seemed proud, his cheeks puffed up and his eyes bright.

“Maybe my Korean lessons at the park payed off.” He had said.

“Or  _maybe_ ,” Chenle continued, “I’m just a genius.”

Their friendship has grown a lot within the past three years. A lot has happened. Thinking about it makes Chenle happy that he has someone like Jisung but also sad that it took 8 years to find Jisung. When Jisung Park is next to him, Chenle can’t ever imagine being lonely again.

On the second December 5th (which Jisung deemed their “friendaversary”), Chenle had finally learned to ask the question he’s been dying to say for a long time.

It’s not that he didn’t know the Korean words to place the sentence together before the second December 5th, in fact after the day they named Goku, he had asked Renjun what happened.

“ _I can’t tell you. It’s not mine to tell_.” Renjun said, “ _I think you should ask Jisung yourself. He’d be upset if you found out any other way._ ”

And Chenle felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He remembered the look on Jisung’s face when he said that he didn’t have a mommy. It was too sad for Chenle’s 8 year old heart to bare, perhaps too sad for him to ever bare. Chenle could live 100 years and it’d still hurt too much to see Jisung nose scrunch and his eyebrows burrow and his lips quiver. Jisung is pretty and nice and gentle and those things should always be happy in Chenle’s book.

“ _I can teach you how to ask him though._ ” Renjun said when he saw his cousin lost in thought.

And he did. Chenle has known how to say that sentence for a long time, almost a year. But for a long time, Chenle didn’t know how to ask. How could he risk making Jisung sad, ever?

One day (the second December 5th) Chenle finally learned how to say the question. He realized sitting in school, watching Jisung’s tongue stick out slightly as he did math homework, that Jisung knew most of Chenle. He knew that Chenle’s parents weren’t ordinary, he knew that Chenle was alone for a long time, knew that Chenle liked  _Naruto_ more than  _Dragon Ball_ ; he knew everything. What type of friend would he be if he didn’t know everything too?

So after school, walking to the park, Chenle decided to ask.

“Jisungie, why don’t you have a mom?”

Jisung looked very shocked and a wave of guilt waved over Chenle until he was dizzy with it.

The Korean boy’s face melted into a sad and slack expression, lips pouted and eyes dull. He might have gotten taller since the first December 5th but he was still the same boy and he still broke Chenle’s heart when he was unhappy.

“I–I’m an orphan.” Jisung said quietly, kicking the snow on the sidewalk. “My parents left me when I was a baby.”

“Is– Is Nana-hyung an orphan too? Is that why you live together?”

“Yeah.”

Jisung’s face was so sunken and sad that Chenle couldn’t help himself. He turned to the other boy and hugged him tightly, right in the middle of the December cold.

“Lele?” Jisung asked, confused.

“Thank you for telling me.” With a red face, Chenle smiled and booped Jisung’s nose. Jisung’s face turned red too

 

✰✰✰

 

It’s a warm day in November. Chenle and Jisung are in middle school now and it’s been a terribly awkward time, needless to say. Growing up in a foreign country is already troublesome but Chenle would rather move to a different place every year for the rest of his life and learn their language than go through puberty.

In August Chenle and Jisung had been the same height but by October Jisung was several inches taller than Chenle already. His freakishly large hands grew even freakishly larger and his voice was cracking all the time. Meanwhile, Chenle is still practically the same size as he was when he was 10, part for the fact that his arms are significantly longer.

It’s a warm day in November, and something disastrous happens.

Chenle really wishes it didn’t.

Lee Jimin is a pretty girl. She has long black hair and has a pink backpack and clips her bangs back with colorful pins. She’s especially pretty when she smiles and makes sure it’s even prettier when Park Jisung is around.

So on a warm day in November, during homeroom, Jimin takes Jisung’s hand suddenly and pulls him outside of the classroom, a pink heart shaped box hidden behind her back.

Chenle knows what’s going to happen before it occurs.

When Jisung comes back _he’s_ holding the pink heart shaped box and Jimin looks very pleased with herself. Jisung looks shocked.

“So… what did she want?” Chenle asks, even though he knows.

“She wants to go on a date.” Jisung says and he  _shrugs_. As if it’s casual. As if it’s normal. As if it doesn’t hurt Chenle. “And I said yes.”

He didn’t realize before, but the idea of Jisung,  _his_ Jisung dating someone else, holding someone else’s hand, kissing–

Before he could hurt himself anymore with anymore thoughts, Chenle takes the box from Jisung.

“Oh okay, cool.” Chenle decides to swallow his hurt for one day, “You’re sharing the chocolates right?”

 

✰✰✰

 

The date is the following Friday and Chenle doesn’t see Jisung that weekend. He rots in his room watching  _Naruto Shippuden_  and fattens himself with his Auntie’s sandwiches. Even when Renjun invites him to go see a new horror movie (his favorite) with Jaemin, Chenle can’t bring himself to leave his bed.  

He can’t stop thinking aboutit . Jisung,  _his_  Jisung, with delicate eyes and a perfect triangular nose and soft cheeks and pouty lips and freakishly large hands. Why is he so obsessed with Park Jisung? They’re just friends right?

(But it never felt that way?)

Jisung calls Chenle on Saturday and doesn’t mention the date. He asks if Chenle wants to go to the park and visit Goku. Chenle lies and says he’s sick.  

Park Jisung being Jisung and also being Chenle’s favorite person takes the bus to Chenle’s house and brings pizza. There was nobody home, both Huang parents at work and Renjun out with Jaemin all day.

When Chenle opens the door, in a loose hoodie and sweats, he finds Jisung in a very similar outfit, a pizza box in his hand and a liter of sprite in the other.

“We can’t visit Goku but Renjun-hyung said you were home alone and I wanted to keep you company. It’s no fun being sick alone.”

“What so do you wanna be sick _with_ me?” Chenle asks, his heart fluttering.

He ushers Jisung into the house quickly and they set up the food in the living room, hooking the TV up to Chenle’s laptop and watching the first half of the _Naruto Shippuden_ war arc together.

“You don’t seem sick.” Jisung says suspiciously 15 minutes in, long limbs sprawled across the floor with blankets and pillows everywhere.

“I have a tummy ache.” Chenle says, which is only half a lie. He  _does_  have a stomach ache but it’s only very minor and certainly not enough to impair him from doing to the park to visit Goku.

Jisung’s face suddenly shifts, a look of concern and something else, something completely foreign, painting his pretty features. His eyes narrow and his lips pout. Chenle thinks something he shouldn’t.

The other boy suddenly moves much closer to Chenle until they’re shoulder to shoulder. Jisung slides his arm under Chenle casually and Chenle moves his head onto Jisung’s shoulder. Their legs tangle. Chenle lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relieved. This is familiar. This is the same. This is Chenle and Jisung, just watching anime and eating bread and together.

“You never initiate cuddling.” Chenle says, throwing a blanket over them. “Why now?”

“Y–your tummy hurts.” Jisung turns away but not before Chenle spots his cheeks redden. “Nana-hyung used to cuddle me when mine hurts.”

There’s a pause before he insists, “It  _helps_ , okay?”

Chenle decides not to question it because Jisung is warm and his cheeks are soft and squishy against Chenle’s head as he rests it there and he smells like baby vanilla body wash and it’s just  _nice_. Chenle is a nice boy, doesn’t he deserve nice things?

For a short minute, Chenle can forget about Jimin and the date. For a short while, when Jisung and his legs are tangled together, he can forget about the heart shaped box of chocolates and the fact that Jisung probably held her hand and laughed at her jokes and they may have even kissed.

But this clarity only lasts a short instance and by the time they’ve gotten to Sasuke meeting the past Hokages, Chenle is buzzing with curiosity. His brain doesn’t seem to care about his heart and he asks before he can stop himself.

“So how was your date?”

Jisung turns to him with wide eyes, his lips parted and a slice of pizza half to his mouth. If it were any other situation and circumstance then Chenle would laugh until his stomach hurted but this was not another situation or circumstance.

“Uh, it was okay, I guess.” Jisung shrugs and takes a bite of pizza.

For some reason, there is no satisfaction in Jisung’s unenthusiastic words.

 

✰✰✰

 

By mid-December (Christmas season) Jisung and Jimin were “official” (or as official as preteens can be). Jisung mentioned their one month anniversary once or twice and each time Chenle’s heart burned a little more each time than the last. Seeing Lee Jimin hurt even more. Chenle wishes she was mean or snotty but she isn’t. She’s soft and nice and  _pretty_. Somehow, knowing that she’s good enough for Jisung made everything worse. It made Chenle feel guilty for feeling the way he does.

It’s not even Chenle’s place to be so upset. It’s not like Chenle was ever  _his_.

(But wasn’t he? In a way? Jisung never showed any signs of being anyone else’s…)

The more Chenle thought about it, the more it hurt him to the point where he  _didn’t_  think about it. Chenle stopped calling Jisung first and only replied with short responses avoided Park Jisung like the plague. If he was a rational person he would be able to be near Jisung without thinking of Jimin but Zhong Chenle isn’t rational and couldn’t do it.

Being away from Jisung should have made him feel better but for some reason it just hurt him more. Chenle was reminded of how in  _Naruto_ , Sasuke developed an even more self-detrimental and hating, more aggressive personality away from the Hidden Leaf Village, instead of becoming accomplished. Maybe it’s like that with Chenle. Maybe being away will just make it worse.

By the time Jisung stopped eating lunch with Chenle and holding Jimin’s hand throughout the halls, Chenle knew, nothing could hurt more than seeing them together.

Renjun seemed to notice the tension and asked Chenle quietly on their way to the park after school.

“ _What’s going on with you and him_?” There was question to who ‘him’ was.

Chenle smiled shakily at his cousin. “ _Gēgē, there’s nothing wrong._ ”

“ _Yeah, there is._ ” Renjun narrowed his eyes at Chenle until he couldn’t meet his stare any longer, “ _Why are you sad Chenle? Is_ Jisung  _making you sad?_ ”

Jisung turned his head at the sound of his name, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“Are you talking about me in Chinese again?”

“Don’t be self centered Jisung-ah.” Renjun snapped, ruffling his hair lightly. “Not everything revolves around you kid.”

And they didn’t talk about it that day, so Chenle was off the hook, at least with Renjun.

Jaemin came over the following Friday (Jisung didn’t come because he was ‘hanging out’ with Jimin) to do homework with Renjun, but as it always did, resulted in them arguing over  _Moonmin_  or  _Dragon Ball_ before bothering Chenle and forcing him to make a decision for them ( _Naruto_ obviously).

But when Jaemin and Renjun barged into Chenle and Renjun’s shared bedroom Chenle was listening to depressing  _Coldplay_  songs instead of watching mukbangs like he usually did after school.

“Yah,” Jaemin finally said when Renjun ran downstairs to pay for the chicken they ordered, “What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“You’re… _different_.” Jaemin said quietly, tugging Chenle’s sleeve until they were shoulder to shoulder and Jaemin snuggled his head into Chenle’s neck. He surrounded Chenle with his long arms, tangling their legs together and pressing Chenle’s cheek down against his head.“It doesn’t have to do with Jisung and a certain girl, does it?”

Chenle remained silent. He pressed his eyes together until he saw stars and it  _hurt_  but tears still leaked past into his cheeks. Chenle feels so pathetic and for the first time since coming to Korea, so  _alone_ . Somewhere deep inside, Chenle knew that Jisung needed him like he needed Jisung, but he wasn’t what Jisung  _wanted_  so it didn’t matter. The past three years didn’t seem to matter at all. The walks to the park and the cuddles and the sweet bread and Goku and–  _it_  didn’t matter at all.

“Chenle-ah, don’t cry.” Jaemin wiped his tears away with his thumb. “Don’t be so upset over it!”

“H–he ne–never e–eats lun–lunch with m–me anymore.” Chenle hiccups, choking on every word, clinging to Jaemin’s now tear stained shirt.

“Should I beat him up?” Jaemin asked, completely serious and genuine.

“N–no!” Chenle says quickly, “Don’t hurt h–him!”

“Injunnie and I don’t like seeing you sad all the time Lele.” Jaemin only called Chenle ‘Lele’ when he was feeling particularly hyung-like. “Whatever you do, make sure you’re happy. That’s what matters the most.”

“B–but what about Ji– _her_?”

“There could be many more hers, but there’s only one you, Zhong Chenle. And Jisung is my little brother, I know to him you’re the only one too.”

 

✰✰✰

 

The first week of February, Chenle knows that Jisung knows. Jisung is staring at him during homeroom, aggressively almost, and didn’t walk home with them that day. Chenle’s anxiety said that Jisung didn’t want to be friends anymore, but the rational side of him knew the truth. When Jisung feels awkward or confused or upset, he knows nothing more than to ignore the situation. Chenle is the one who always has to resolve problems. Jisung, no matter how he tries to present himself, is a little baby and is too gentle to be confrontational.

And because it’s middle school, the solution happens like this:

On Thursday, Jisung tells Jaemin who tells Renjun who tells Chenle that Jisung is very sorry for whatever he did. Jaemin apparently stressed that Jisung gave him a hug that he was supposed to give to Renjun who was supposed to give to Chenle but Renjun did not, in fact, hug him because he was feeling irritated by the whole situation. 

“ _It’s stupid, okay?_ ” Renjun said. “ _You see each other in school… so talk there ! Stop being so immature!_ ”

So Chenle takes Renjun’s (who is nearly two years older and therefore infinitely wiser) advice and decides to confront Jisung. He wore the pants in this relationship, tragically.

So he slides a note into Jisung’s locker during passing time on Friday saying:

_‘Jisung Park! We need to talk. Meet me at the park after classes! I have sweet bread for Goku.’_

By the time Jisung arrives to the park, Chenle had already been there for 10 minutes and managed to find Goku.

When they turned 10, they both realized that they were too tiny to sit underneath the playset anymore, even near the slides were the area underneath was always the softest from the grass. So they decided to move their permanent location to the swing set. It was at the edge of the hill, and had a beautiful view of the school and the city. They were two slightly worn red, rubber seats, with a baby seat in between.

When Jisung came running up the hill, his tie messed up and his backpack half unzipped, eyes wide, Chenle had already placed Goku in the baby swing seat, waiting on the left side. The empty right side of the swing waited for Jisung.

“Hi.” Jisung said, out of breath and a little sweaty when he reached the top of the hill. He had a wool blue winter hat pulled over his ears, but Chenle could still see the ends of them, red and irritated by the cold.

“Hi.” Chenle said as Jisung sat down automatically in the ride seat. “Did you run?”

“Yeah.” Jisung took the sweet bread Chenle handed him over Goku, who was wrapped in Chenle’s scarf and munching away at a loaf of the bread. “Sorry I’m late, Jimin wanted to talk to me.”

“Oh…” Chenle continued before he could help himself, “What about?”

Jisung made a choking noise he reserved for  _only_ when he was embarrassed.

“On our last date she kissed me." There is a delicate pause in the winter air before Jisung says, "On the lips.”

And Chenle’s heart stopped beating, even if only for a second. He feels something rotten rise within him, something he didn’t even know he  _possessed_ , or at least anymore. He hadn’t felt so rotten or just genuinely  _terrible_ since he lived alone in that mansion in China, with dozens of eyes on him at all times yet none of them saw Zhong Chenle. They saw Zhong Chen and Zhong Meiqi’s son, a possession and door to wealth and fame, not a 7 year old boy. Chenle felt so alone in that moment, everything he’s been terrified of since he could remember.

For a brief moment, Chenle remembered the day when they named Goku. It was a warm day in February, similar to today and they were eating sweet bread. On their way down the hill to meet the hyungs, Chenle had said with his minimalistic Korean “I want one too” and like magic, Jisung knew.

Sometimes, late at night when the house was completely silent, Chenle would open up the window next to his bed and smell the air and he would remember. He would remember what Jisung’s soft feathery kiss felt like.

Chenle never imagined someone else would know that feeling.

“Are you–” Jisung pauses when Chenle drops the sweat bread and rubs the tears away from his eyes. “Does that bother you?”

Chenle can only manage a soft nod.

“S–should I not do it again?”

Chenle’s selfish and possessive side takes over the rest of him before he could think about the question and he nods.

Jisung waits until Chenle stops crying to hug him. He places his chin on top of Chenle’s head as Chenle sits on the swing still, his arms tightly wrapped around Jisung’s waist. Chenle is shocked and hurt by the familiarity of Park Jisung’s touch and hugs. They hadn’t touched each other like this in so long and it’s a clarity that Chenle forgot even existed.

The next Monday at school, Jisung breaks up with Jimin during lunch. She cries but gets over it by the following Monday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading pls remember to leave comments & kudos !!


	3. even if i'm dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13 years old: the dreams begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this update took a bit longer than usual, i'm having finals soon so i'm quite busy. it's a little longer than the other chapters tho,, as promised !!!
> 
> in the summer i'll probably start updating every week or two so please look forward to that !!

**[ even if i’m dreaming ]**

_Wherever I am, even if I’m dreaming_

_To me, it’s only you_

_I’ll swear upon the rest of my life_

_There won’t be another you_

_You’re my last_

 

✰✰✰

 

It started the night of Chenle’s 15th birthday.

Renjun’s parents agreed to let Renjun and Chenle have the house for one afternoon, and agreed to leave money at home for, as Mrs. Huang had said quite strictly, “a _small_ get-together.” Renjun had nodded, a little bored while Chenle tackled his aunt into a bone crushing hug.

November 22nd is a very special day, not only to Chenle but to Jisung. He had saved up money for weeks, working small meaningless jobs like mowing the lawn or cleaning up the orphanage or doing Jaemin’s laundry. After a month and a half he had enough.

After school on that November 22nd, Chenle and Jisung walked to the park after school. Their hyungs had to take the bus (now in high school) to get home, so they had about an hour to kill before having to go to Chenle’s house.

“I don’t have sweet bread today, but I think I have some left over milk, let’s find Goku.” Chenle said the second the park was in view, grabbing Jisung’s hand and tugging him along.

Chenle ran uphill at full force, his skinny legs carrying him and Jisung along.

It took them about ten minutes to find Goku, who was hidden under a bush. When they were 12, Jisung and Chenle followed Goku home and discovered that he is _not_ a stray cat, but rather belongs to a nice old lady down the street who owns a flower shop. She let him out during the day and was very pleased to find him always full. Goku’s real name was Guleum but even the old grandma liked the name Goku more and so did Goku himself.

“Goku!” Chenle held the cat in his arms, running at full speed to Jisung who sat patiently at the top of the hill, scaring the hell out of the gray cat. “Look Sungie, he’s gotten fatter!”

“Are you fat shaming a cat Lele?” Jisung asked, pouring the milk into a tubaware and setting it down onto the grass for Goku.

“What? Of course not, don’t be dumb.” Chenle shoved him lightly and with a great deal of affection. “He’s cuter chubbier anyways.”

They sat there quietly in the grass for a little before Chenle finally popped the question.

“So what did you get me?” He asked, a little too excited and with a careful gleam in his eyes.

Jisung sighed, already opening his backpack.“Your a brat Chenle, how did you know I got you anything at all?”

“Sungie!” Chenle whined, stroking Goku in irritation. “I know you got me something! Jaemin hyung told me anyways.”

“Ugh, I hate his ass.” Jisung groaned, carefully taking the meticulous piece of foil out of his backpack. “He ruins _everything_.”

(The day before, after Chenle had gone home, Jisung decided to take Goku back to the old lady and their flower shop. He’d been planning this for a very long time and was determined to get everything perfect.

When Jisung got there, the old Grandma greeted him happily.

“Hello young man,” She said, happily taking Goku into her arms. “Is there any reason you brought Guleum home today?”

“Oh I– um, I was wondering if I could buy some flowers?”

“Oh yes, what type?”

Jisung described the occasion to her, saying that it’s for someone very important to him and it’s their birthday. She looked very pleased to hear Jisung talk, considering how excited and nervous he was about it. Jisung told her that he didn’t want to just get Chenle something ordinary or predictable, the flowers had to be special and _mean_ something, because Chenle is special and means a _lot_ to Jisung.

“You’re very diligent for a 13 year old boy.” She said quietly before leading him to the glass shelves of flowers.

She showed Jisung a large array of flowers, their stems and petals, the meanings of such plants and so on. Jisung’s head grew dizzy with the sweet scent of roses, with the bright leaves of daisies. It was too much to think about.

When the old woman lifted a white carnation, explaining that it meant “lovely and beautiful” Jisung thought of how sweet Chenle looked doing the simplest of acts, how bright his smile is when he greets Goku or how warm his embrace is when he hugs Jisung. When she lifted a pink camellia, explaining it meant “my destiny is in your hands” Jisung found it perfectly fitting for Chenle. Where ever the Chinese boy decided to go, Jisung would sure to follow, to the ends of the earth, to the edge of the galaxy, billions of lightyears away even.

But despite the abundance of beautiful flowers and their even more beautiful meanings, a simple white gardenia stood out to Jisung most.

“It’s meant to be presented to someone that means a great deal for you.”

“I’ll take this one then.” Jisung said hastily, confused by the sudden wave of _emotion_ that washed through him.

“Okay.”

She wrapped the white gardenias in a soft pink paper, tying a simple yellow ribbon to keep it together.

The old woman secured the small bouquet in foil when she said, “You know, the white gardenia symbolizes secret love. What lucky girl is getting this bouquet?”

The air was knocked out of Jisung’s throat the second the words left the old woman’s lips. He covered it up with a cough and laughed easily.

“H-how much do I owe you?” He choked out.

“It’s on the house.” The old woman smiled cheerily, her eyes forming small crescents against her wrinkled face. “Since you take care of my Guleum so very well.”

“No please!” Jisung said, taking out the bills in his pocket. “These flowers are for someone really important to me and– well, it’d mean a lot less if I didn’t pay for them.”

She smiled even more and took his money.

When Jisung got outside of the flower shop, he let out a breath he didn’t even realize he held.

‘ _Flowers are just flowers,_ ’ He told himself. ‘ _they didn’t mean anything anyways._ ’)

Jisung handed Chenle the bouquet of white gardenias sheepishly, trying to calm his face down before it exploded from his blushing.

“Jisungie!” Chenle exclaimed, gently unwrapping the flowers. “They’re so pretty! Where did you get them?”

“The old grandma that lives with Goku. Her flower shop?”

“So _that’s_ why you stayed after yesterday…” Chenle said, lost in thought. “I’m gonna find a vase for these they’re really pretty. Thank you Sungie!”

“I–I got you something else too.” Jisung stuttered, blushing when Chenle squeezed him into a tight hug.

“What is it? _Where_ is it?” Chenle asked excitedly, bouncing a distressed gray cat in his lap.

Jisung pulled out a carefully wrapped pile of paper. Jaemin and Jisung had found old Christmas wrapping paper in the attic of the orphanage and wrapped the folder of papers in it.

“S–sorry it’s Christmas themed, I couldn’t find any other wrapping paper and–”

“Don’t apologize Sungie!” Chenle took the gift excitedly, “I can’t believe you got me flowers _and_ something else!”

“Well, it’s your birthday, it’s a special day! You’re 15 now!”

“And you still don’t call me hyung.” Chenle said, but his smile was gentle and light.

Chenle tugged at the tape until the Santa patterned paper fell apart underneath his hands. Inside was a collection of music paper, sheets and sheets of it. They were piano renditions of _Beatles_ songs.

Jisung had found it in an old music shop near Jaemin’s new school three weeks ago and decided to buy it for Chenle a couple days ago. Renjun had told Jaemin and Jisung, after forcing them to swear the oath of secrecy, that Chenle’s parents had bought him a pretty, grand piano and were sending it to Korea just in time for his birthday. It’s been a well kept secret from Chenle for about a week and Jisung is pretty sure the piano shipped in this morning.

“Piano music?” Chenle asked, his face twisted into confusion. “Did you get me a piano too?”

“Hmh…” Jisung pretended to think, getting up and holding his hand out of Chenle, “I guess we’ll have to go to your house and find out.”

Chenle took his hand.

 

✰✰✰

 

By the time they got there, their hyungs had already arrived. Their shoes were neatly aligned against the bottom of the shoe rack but Chenle just threw his sneakers into the corner. Jisung, out of habit, took Chenle’s shoes in return and placed them at the top of the rack.

“Hyungs!” Chenle called when they arrived. “We’re home!”

“Living room!” Renjun yelled in return.

Renjun going through CrunchyRoll mindlessly, attempting to find a Chenle’s favorite episode of   _Naruto_ and _Naruto Shippuden_. Jaemin was tinkering around in the kitchen, his long neck peered over a pot of bubbling seafood and kimchi ramen.

“Which ark should we watch Lele?” Renjun had taken his uniform sweater off, only in his plain button down with his tie loosened. “Land of the Waves or the Deidara one?”

“The one when he tries to kill Gaara? You want me to cry? On my _birthday?_ ” Chenle tossed his jacket on the couch.

They began to bicker over which episodes would be better, if they should even watch _Naruto_ or if _Hunter x Hunter_ would be better. Jisung wandered into the kitchen, where Jaemin was tediously cutting up mushrooms.

“Sungie, wash fish cake for me.” Jaemin said without looking up from the mushrooms.

“We need to wash fish cake?” Jisung responded mindlessly (though he was already picking the yellow ingredient up and walking towards the sink).

“Yeah you idiot.” Jaemin dropped the mushrooms into the boiling pot, stirring it gently with chopsticks, “How’d it go by the way?”

“W–with,” Jisung lowered his voice. “ _Chenle_?”

“Yes, with,” Jaemin lowered his voice too, “ _Chenle_.”

“Oh, uh it went well. He liked them.”

Jaemin finally looked up at him, his face blank. Despite living with Jaemin for as long as he could remember, it’s still often that Jisung can’t read the older. Jaemin’s eyes were narrowed, almost judgemental but not quite and his eyebrows were ambiguous.

“You didn’t tell him about the piano did you?”

“No I didn’t, I–”

“OH MY GOD.” A distant voice rang through the house.

Jaemin smiled knowingly at Jisung, lowered the heat on the stove and headed for the dining room of the Huang household.

There was a glossy, brand new, piano placed at the left corner of the room. Chenle is already sitting on the matching stool, running his hands over the pristine keys and humming. Renjun was at his side, on arm over his shoulder, the other placing Jisung’s sheet music onto the piano.

Chenle turned around, the most immaculate smile adorning his face. He has the softest and cutest cheekbone dimples, almost directly under his eyes, when he smiles. Chenle’s dark hair was tousled and his smile was bright. Just seeing him so happy made Jisung happy.

“This is why you bought me the _Beatles_ sheet music?” Chenle asked brightly, “Because my parents bought me this piano?”

“Y–yeah.”

Chenle tackled Jisung into a tight hug, shoving his head into Jisung’s neck even more when Jaemin ruffled his dark hair and wished him a happy birthday.

“This is the best birthday ever.” Chenle said excitedly as he followed Renjun into the kitchen. “The only thing that would make this better is if my parents were here.”

Jaemin and Jisung shared a quick, sad smile when Chenle speaks.

Jisung tries not to think about it often. He’s been living with Jaemin in the same room in the same orphanage for as long as he can remember. He’s been fed by the same aunties who work there for years. He’s had a lot more than some people do, Jisung knows. He has Jaemin, who traded beds with him because Jisung hit a growth spurt and his feet hung over his tiny twin sized bed. Jisung has Renjun, who treats him like just as much of family as he does Chenle and tutors him in science every Saturday morning. And most of all he has Chenle, who makes him so _so_ happy.

But it still hurts. He might have a lot but he’d never have this. He’d never have anybody to call mom or anybody to call dad. Sometimes that’s what Park Jisung wants the most.

When the tteokbokki and ramen finished, the four boys slowly carried it to the pots of food in front of the TV.

“What anime is this?” Jisung asked when a spikey, green haired boy with a fishing rod appeared on the screen. “I thought we were watching the genin exams arc of _Naruto_.”

Chenle let out a dramatic sigh, “I forget you haven’t watched _Hunter x Hunter_. You’re getting your best friend card revoked until you finish the show.”

“You’re joking.” Jisung said, slurping noodles into his mouth.

“You know he’s not, Sungie.” Renjun sighed, already seeming stressed by the idea.

“Shhh! The episode is starting!”

They watched the show quietly, part from Renjun commenting on how pretty the animation was and Jaemin talking about how unrealistic the fish was. Jisung quietly asked Chenle about the show between bites of tteokbokki and ramen, and Chenle explained quietly in return, so they don’t bother their hyungs.

“You know, now that I’m watching this for the second time,” Chenle says, tilting his head, when Gon met Killua, “I think Gon is like, bi-curious, you know what I mean?”

Renjun made a sputtering noise on the ramen he was slurping.

Jaemin shrugs, “I don’t know about Gon but Hisoka definitely is.”

“Hyung you’ve seen this anime? So it’s _just_ me?” Jisung voiced his disappointment.

“Hm… I don’t know.” Chenle continues, “I’m gay and my gaydar is going off, so I think that–”

“Wait.” Renjun said placing his bowl of noodles down suddenly.

Jisung felt like some well kept secret had spilled into the air but it wasn’t even his. He could feel his best friend stiffen next to him, his hands tightly wrapped around the TV remote. On the other side of Jisung, Jaemin was limp. The aura in the air was fragile and delicate. Gon was still chattering on with Killua on the TV.

“You’re gay?” Jaemin finally said after a few long moments.

Chenle seemed to consider the question genuinely before saying, firmly and very surely, “Yes.”

Jisung couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Okay.” Renjun said, almost immediately after Chenle’s confirmation.

“O–okay?” Chenle asked gently. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” Renjun picked up the bowl of ramen again. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. You’re still Chenle; you’re still my little cousin. I don’t care about what gender of people you’re into, as long as they’re good people.”

“Yeah, Injunnie is right.” Jaemin added quickly. “You’re still Chenle. And anyone who says otherwise can fuck off.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” Renjun repeated.

“Thank you.” Chenle says quietly, but his head turned and he was looking Jisung.

The youngest of the four was practically nervously sweating into the bowl of tteokbokki. Why was he so nervous?

“Jisung?” Renjun asked sternly. Though Renjun loves Jisung, it’s obvious that Chenle will always hold a priority over basically everyone (even Jaemin) in his heart. “Say something.”

“I mean, what is there to say?” Jisung says quietly. “You’re still the same Chenle, whether you like boys or girls.”

Chenle smiles brightly and tackles Jisung into a hug for what feels like the hundredth time that day.

When it’s time for Jaemin and Jisung to go home, those six words are still lingering in Jisung’s mind, like a sliver of his conscience wouldn’t let them go.

_There’s nothing wrong with being gay._

 

✰✰✰

 

A week after that November 22, they start.

The first one was ambiguous and subtle, almost like it was unsure of its own nature.

Jisung lays in a soft bed of cold grass in the warm spring. There’s cherry blossoms falling from the sky like in animes and the sun is high in the sky. The warm sunlight spills like hot honey over Jisung’s face and he closes his eyes. Suddenly, there is a familiar set of fingers dancing on his forearm before settling in his palm. Jisung feels comfortable under those hands and a strange sense of deja vu as they squeeze his own.

That’s how the first dream ends. The second one doesn’t happen until two days later.

It began the same way. Warm sunlight spilling across Jisung’s eyelids like sticky honey, the spring blossom petals falling into his hair like snow. A familiar touch reaches for Jisung and he lets himself drown in the slightly rough fingertips of the other. They’re both warm and Jisung’s body is glowing and buzzing, like every nerve in his body is put into overdrive.

This time, after the person beside him squeezes his hand, they roll over on top of him. They press Jisung against the cool grass with their weight and distantly, Jisung can hear a familiar laugh. It’s like he’s been pressed underwater, though he’s still breathing, but he can’t hear anything. All he can hear is how quickly his heart is beating, like a violent banging against the insides of his ribcage. It felt like his heart was going to explode.

The person on top of him lean in close, their lips directly above Jisung’s. There is only an inch or two separating the two of them, yet it feels like those inches are stretching on for miles and miles, infinitely keeping Jisung from the person on top of him. Jisung can feel how quickly the person above him is breathing from the rise and fall of their shoulders as Jisung lays his hands upon them, from the shaky breaths that slips from their lips.

They lean in and suddenly everything is very still.

But Jisung never opens his eyes and they never kiss him.

 

✰✰✰

 

The following Thursday, while Chenle and Jisung are sitting inside their homeroom, eating lunch, a certain Lee Jimin sits down with a tall boy in another class. They’re sitting awfully close together and holding hands.

Immediately, _delicately_ , Chenle looks at Jisung. His voice quivers and he is too quiet for the tone to be normal.

“Do you mind?” Chenle asks gently, “We can go eat somewhere else, if you’re uncomfortable.”

Jisung raises his eyebrows, “Why would I be uncomfortable?”

The Korean boy turns to Lee Jimin and what looks like her new boyfriend. He thinks about it, the short duration of their prepubescent relationship. Jisung can’t remember feeling anything but indifference, at best, about the whole ordeal. It seems a little ridiculous, the idea of dating Lee Jimin. Sometimes, the idea of dating _any_ girl seemed a little ridiculous, but Jisung hasn’t ever told anybody that. He’s only 13, and him not liking girls is probably just premature.

Jisung still remembers the kiss though. They were sitting in the mall, smoothies in their hands. Jimin had smiled and said she didn’t mind that Jisung’s hands were sweaty, that it was cute that he were nervous. Suddenly, when Jisung was talking about how he wanted to take dance classes, Jimin had leaned in and kissed him. It was only a slight peck on his lips yet her touch burned.

It just didn’t feel _right_. There was something wrong about the taste of strawberries that Jimin’s chapstick left, something wrong about the choked feeling of Jisung’s throat, wrong about the sweaty palms she held.

It doesn’t bother Jisung that Jimin is with somebody else, in fact, it kind of makes him relieved. The whole ‘break up’ doesn’t bother her anymore. The idea of dating a girl, any girl much less someone as pretty as Lee Jimin, feels like more of a burden than anything.

“Okay.” Chenle shrugs, tearing his eyes from Jimin and the boy and going back to eating his rice and kimchi, “I was just making sure.”

They don’t talk about it again.

 

✰✰✰

 

For months, Jisung has the dream. It starts and ends the same way and never changes. By February, he’s more than curious about who the mysterious yet familiar person in his dreams is.

Jisung has never really had a birthday party. Nor has he wanted one; the idea of a party celebrating him turning older was always a little ridiculous to Jisung. It’s different when someone has a huge family and group of friends, then they _have_ to have a party. But when you’re like Jisung and you only have three people close enough to even call friends, much less family, a party is useless.

Chenle didn’t agree. He thought that Jisung should throw a party, that they should go out to dinner or something but the idea made Jisung quesy. Eventually, Jisung and Chenle compromised on a sleepover, though it took a lot of convincing. Jisung hasn’t gone a single night without the dream and he most certainly did not want to have it when Renjun or Chenle were present.

But Chenle kept bugging and whining about how important turning _15_ was (even though it isn’t). All the Chinese boy had to do was open his eyes wide and frown; he had Jisung wrapped around his finger.

So here they are: four teenage boys sitting in Renjun and Chenle’s shared bedroom, the beds pushed against the walls, a box of large pizza and a tub of chicken in between them all.

“Okay we ate.” Jisung gave Renjun a pointed look as he spoke, “So _hyung_ can I _please_ have my presents now?”

“Oh my god.” Renjun laughs, “I was just _trying_ to make sure you ate something! I was just _trying_ to be a good hyung but _no_ you just want materialistic things instead of my love!”

“Hyung you’re so emotional since you’ve hit puberty.” Chenle says.

“Just give the kid the present we got for him Injunnie.” Jaemin laughs.

Jisung frowns, “I’m only two years younger than you.”

“A fetus, practically.” Jaemin says, “Fresh out of the womb.”

“Here.” Renjun, kind of passive aggressively, pushes a bag into Jisung’s lap.

“What is it?” Jisung asks, slightly confused, pulling a rectangular box out of the white bag, “Shoes? You got me _shoes_?”

“Listen brat,” Renjun says, but there is a found smile lingering in his eyes. “You told Jaemin you wanted to start dancing.”

“And you can’t dance in your beat up converses forever. They’re nice and sturdy, a little expensive,” Jaemin coughs and mutters something about how it costed all of his paycheck under his breath, “But they’ll last you a long time as long as your feet don’t grow too fast.”

“Sungie has freakishly large feet though,” Chenle says, bouncing in excitement as he held out yet another bag, this one pink and blue instead of white. “Always has. He’ll probably outgrow them by the summer, hyung.”

“You’re rich, I guess you’ll just have to buy him new ones by summer then Chenle.” Jaemin says.

Jisung pulls out a small, cubed box first and smiles down at the red and green Santa themed wrapping. His cheeks and ears burning at the sight of it.

“Could you be any less cheesy Lele?” Jisung asks, not daring to look up at Chenle.

He hears Chenle’s obnoxious dolphin laugh though, and it makes his ears burn even more. Jisung has never had _this_ , any of it. He’s never had friends like this that felt like family. He’s never been spoiled in gifts. He’s never felt so _loved_.

All his life, he’s only really had Jaemin but suddenly, when he was 7, Renjun and Chenle appeared in his life too. Jisung is lucky, that he has two hyungs that care so much about him, enough to listen to his childish whining when they were at the mall and he saw fancy sports shoes. Jisung is lucky to have Renjun, who loved Jisung like he was his actual little brother, who loved him as much as he loves Chenle. He is lucky to have Jaemin, who despite having nothing has always given everything to Jisung.

Even more so, Jisung is lucky to have Zhong Chenle. Even though Chenle is older than him (though only by a couple months), Jisung takes care of him and he’s so lucky to have that. In a very similar way, Chenle takes care of Jisung. As Chenle would say, it’s the law of equivalent exchange.

Jisung quickly tears the paper apart, leaving a small mess on Renjun and Chenle’s floor and his heart beats quickly in his chest. Inside the box is a small, blue polaroid camera. Jisung’s eyes open wide and he looks back into the pink and blue striped bag. Inside is five sets of film.

“A _camera_ ?” Jisung stared at a beaming Chenle. “You got me a _fucking_ camera?”

“Language!” Jaemin slaps Jisung on the back of the head. “Mrs. and Mr. Huang are still awake dumbass!”

“Hypocrite.” Jisung says under his breath as he turns back to Chenle. “Lele I can’t believe you bought me a camera.”

“A month and a half’s worth of allowance, but it was worth it.” Chenle says, “You like it right?”

“Yes! Of course!”

Before Jisung can do it himself, Chenle pounces out of his seat and tackles Jisung into a bone crushing hug. Jisung lands flat on his back. He hears Renjun and Jaemin gasp in shock at the sudden movement but he doesn’t care. For a moment, the fingertips that caress his shoulders and neck feel painfully familiar. It was a paralyzing sense of deja vu. The weight on top of Jisung, the warmth of the person, the fingerprints that felt like they had been tattooed on the insides of his eyelids; wasn’t it–

Before Jisung’s mind can quite grasp what his heart was thinking, Chenle pulls away.

“I’m glad you like it!” Chenle beams, returning to his seat.

“Careful Zhong Chenle,” Renjun says, “Next year he’s gonna expect a laptop.”

The three of them laugh but the sudden shock of what had just happened, what was so _close_ , struck Jisung and he was unable to share in their joy. It was a some sort of twisted whiplash and his head spun from it.

Maybe, in his dreams, he would know.

 

✰✰✰

 

The events of the rest of the night were mild and ordinary. For once, his hyungs allowed him to choose the movie and Jisung decided on _Iron Man_ , which Renjun and Chenle agreed to easily but Jaemin was slightly more hesitant. When the movie first was released, Jisung had made Jaemin take him to see it at least once a week.

So they pushed Chenle and Renjun’s full sized beds together against the wall, propped the laptop on top of a pile of books on a chair and played the movie. _Iron Man_ was just as good as Jisung remembered it to be.

Unfortunately, Jaemin fell asleep first, probably bored out of his mind from watching it for the hundredth time. Renjun was close behind him, initially sighing out of feigned annoyance when Jaemin curled up beside his waist but within ten minutes joined him. he two hyungs snuggled together with the laptop screen illuminating them.

“Weak.” Jisung said, glancing at them. “It’s my _birthday_ and they can’t even stay up.”

“It’s late though, Sungie.” Chenle said easily, throwing half of his blanket and comforter over Jisung and resting his head easily on his shoulder. “I’m tired too. How are you not sleepy?”

Jisung’s throat chokes up and he doesn’t know what to tell Chenle. He briefly thinks about _the_ person. Some things are better left unsaid, he decides.

“I like the movie a lot!” Jisung decides on.

Chenle laughs his loud, obnoxious, dolphin laugh and Jisung feels something stutter and twist in his chest, like a cage of buzzing bees and fluttering butterflies had been let loose in a garden of honey and pollen.

“Did you have a good day Sungie?” Chenle pushes his head of dark hair into Jisung’s neck, wrapping his arms around Jisung like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I– I did.” Jisung smiles, warmth filling his cheeks, his head buzzing from the blood rushing to his head. He didn’t have to turn to know how Chenle was looking at him.

“Good! It’s a special day and I’m glad you’re happy today!” Chenle squeezed him lightly, “When you’re happy, I’m happy!”

Jisung couldn’t bring himself to say anything but simply threw one leg over Chenle’s until they were cuddling, hoping that his physical affection could convey his emotions. But it was Chenle; even without words, Jisung knew that Chenle would always know his heart.

 

✰✰✰

 

The dream returned to haunt Jisung that night.

They always begin the same way. Jisung is looking up at the sky, blinking away the cherry blossom petals that falls onto his eyelids. The sun is high and bright in the sky, too high and too bright. Jisung drowns in the sunlight, his eyelashes warm and sticky with the glowing honey that fell from the sky. Suddenly, a familiar hand reaches for him, dancing across the skin upon his forearms before wrapping the smaller fingers around his larger ones. There’s an affectionate squeeze, sending electricity flying up Jisung’s veins into the rest of his body, in every cell and every nerve ending.

Before Jisung realizes it, the person next to him is throwing their leg over his hips and straddling him. They grab his other hand with theirs, pressing him down against the cool grass. Their hands feel tiny but soft in his, tangled against the blades of grass under him. Their fingers are very soft, delicate yet steady. The person lets out a laugh, but to Jisung it sounds blurred and faded, as if he were under water or the sound was coming distantly from someone’s headphones in a silent library.

The person’s weight shifts and Jisung’s eyes are still closed. He feels their body heat grow closer to him and Jisung nearly suffocates under their scent and body. They smell like bakery goods, he realizes, very familiar bakery goods– like sweet bread and honey lime tea.

Suddenly, like a camera finally focusing in on a blurry image, everything is very clear. There is a buzzing clarity ringing in Jisung’s mind; there is a reason everything seems so familiar in this dream. It felt _too_ familiar, _too_ real.

Jisung has read that one’s dreams are a reflection of their reality, their thoughts and their fears. He knows what’s happening without even opening his eyes. He would recognize this touch anywhere, how did he not realize sooner?

He squeezes his eyes shut as their chest meets his and their lips finally press against his. The kiss is innocent, like sweet vanilla ice cream on a sunny day. The lips are familiar, Jisung has heard them say the kindest words, heard them radiate the most immaculate laughter, grin the brightest of smiles, quiver in sadness and shake in emotion. He knows this person and he knows their lips. He’s kissed them before, in his reality.

The seconds feel like an eternity but they lean away, their hands still holding his.

There’s a familiar shriek giggle, dolphin like and odd but Jisung’s favorite sound in the world, in _any_ world. He opens his eyes.

For a brief moment the light is too bright, the sun too high in the sky and Jisung can’t see anything. He’s blinded and his vision is white patches with slight pink dots. The cherry blossoms.

When his eyes focus, there’s a boy on top of him. An adorable, round face, a small cute nose and crescent shaped eyes. High on his cheeks are dimples, right under his eyes and his face is red from the heat. He’s happy, he’s beautiful he’s–

He’s Chenle. The person is Chenle.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung blinks and it’s over. He’s in Renjun and Chenle’s room.

He tries to move his hands but all his limbs feel limp, tangled up with someone else’s. Without even turning to move his head he knows who it is. Jisung’s face is pushed against the crook of Chenle’s neck, his hands and arms twisted around Chenle’s waist, his legs pressed so close to the other boy’s that he can’t tell where he begins and Chenle ends. The Chinese boy’s breathe tickles the top of Jisung’s head.

His heart is pounding a million miles an hour. His face is burning. His cheeks are wet and the tears leek onto Chenle’s sleep shirt.

Jisung can’t breathe.

Suddenly and aggressively, Jisung rips himself from Chenle and he flinches as the other boy whimpers from the heat loss.

“S–Sungie?” Chenle mumbles, rolling up within himself in a fetal position. Through his tears, Jisung looks at the younger boy and there’s a terrible ripple that flows throughout his body. What is this feeling? Was it always here?

Before he could crawl back into the bed and cry into Chenle’s neck, Jisung turns and runs out the door into the bathroom.

He can still hear Chenle whimpering “Sungie” in his sleep when he goes.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung doesn’t go to school for a couple days. He can’t sleep through a single night, always dreaming that a nightmare. Sometimes it felt like a nightmare and sometimes it felt like a gift. Sometimes, he can let himself get lost in the nightmare until it feels like a dream, but the glorious high of the feeling of sharp grass and warm sunlight evaporate the second he wakes up. Every time.

One night, Jisung literally wakes up screaming, his throat choked up and his face feeling like it’s been suffocated under the weight of a thousand skies. He cries and cries, unable to contain how loud his sobbing is anymore. Why did it hurt so much?

Jisung is shaking, curling his long legs within himself, trying to make himself as small as possible. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t feel his limbs at all. What is this?

Jaemin hears his younger brother crying, and climbs into his bunk. He wraps his arms around Jisung until he stops shaking, whispering soft words of encouragement and love into his ears.

And Jisung sleeps a restless night for the first time in months.

 

✰✰✰

 

He eventually has to go back to school. So on Friday (the day after the first restless night) Jisung goes, apologizing to his teachers and collecting a large pile of work he missed.

Chenle was delighted to see him, greeting him with a tight hug, chattering about the days they were apart. Jisung couldn’t bring himself to meet Chenle’s eyes for more than a couple quick moments. When Chenle smiled, he was reminded of the cheek dimples under his eyes. When he tugged on Jisung’s hands, he was reminded of how it felt to be pressed under Chenle in the cool and sharp spring grass. When Chenle laughed, Jisung remembered how it felt to feel Chenle’s giggles vibrate throughout his chest. Where dreams supposed to be this vivid? This _real_?

After school, Chenle, Jaemin and Renjun drag Jisung to eat burgers and go to the arcade.

That’s when it happens.

Chenle and Jaemin get up to go order the burgers while Renjun and Jisung find a table. When they do, they sit down. It’s a comfortable silence and Renjun rests his head on Jisung’s shoulder.

“Are you _really_ okay though, Sungie?” Renjun asks.

“W–what do you mean?” Jisung says.

“I don’t know but hyung can tell something is off…” Renjun’s voice sounds distant. “I love you a lot Jisung, you know that right?”

“I know.”

Jisung turns to focus his attention on Chenle across the room. He’s bouncing on his feet, making cute pouty expressions as he begs for Jaemin to allow him to buy a milkshake. His lips are really pink and his cheeks are red from the cold, the wash of color flushed over the bridge of his nose as well. He looks ethereal, his hair messy and slightly curled from his hat, specs of snow still stuck to the dark brown ends. His smile is immaculate and it’s terrible how empty Jisung feels inside when he sees it.

He thinks, _I hope this terribleness will go away soon._

And out loud, he says, “Renjun-hyung, I’m gay.”

Jisung’s mind is blank when he says it, like a bright flash of light deemed everything else too irrelevant to think about. All he can see is Chenle’s adorable smile, the way his small hands tug at Jaemin’s sleeve, the way his eyes are so _bright_.

Jisung thinks, _maybe I’m not even straight_ or _gay. I can only see him_.

“I am too.” Renjun says quietly.

Chenle and Jaemin return with receipts, saying that they’ll deliver it their table. Jisung and Renjun don’t speak of it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any questions, suggestions or smth to say pls leave a comment !! they really help motivate me uwu !!


	4. feels like my heart will explode soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15: jisung is sad when chenle is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aldfaldjlkfjl I KNOW I'M REALLY SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN FOREVER BUT TO BE FAIR THIS CHAPTER IS LIKE 400 WORDS FROM 10K. sigh,,, i'm really sorry that i haven't updated but i've just been sorta busy (trying to be happy and give myself reasons for living and stuff) and basically but also this chapter is kind of really sad so i'm going to say this now
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there are descriptions of panic attack and slight self harm in this chapter. i apologize in advance. 
> 
> anywhom, enjoy the chapter and stream we go up uglies

**[feels like my heart will explode ]**

_Words written only in books are becoming reality_

_Feels like my heart will explode soon_

_No, I can’t express this with any words_

_Yeah, to me, it’s only you_

 

✰✰✰

 

The first day of high school was a rainy day, not that rain meant anything necessarily bad. In fact, Park Jisung quite likes rainy days. He likes the way the drops attach themselves to the window sills of his bedroom and how he wakes up to their light tapping instead of annoyingly bright sunlight. He likes the way the streets seem to be quieter and how the parks seem to slip into a time warp. Jisung likes the quiet mysteries and magic in late summer rain.

The bus ride to school is quiet and Jisung blasts _EXO_ through his headphones, trying to drown out the buzzing of traffic and the humidity in the air. His hyung is staring mindlessly out the window, also listening to music though Jisung himself couldn’t hear it over is own. They’re not the only ones on the bus but they were the first ones and more and more students in similar uniforms to theirs pile on into the seats until it’s full to the brim.

Jisung can’t help but feel small yet overgrown in the sea of high school students. He’d grown ridiculously tall over the summer and his previously large hands and feet got even larger yet the chub in his cheeks remained and his jaw and shoulders remained slim and soft.

It’s an odd thing, to physically grow. He felt his body was disproportionate from his mind. Like a child in their parent’s clothes, he did not fit what he wore and what everyone else saw. Jisung felt small inside, despite the fact that he already towered over most of his classmates.

He turns to Jaemin and realizes he isn’t really sure when _it_ happened to his hyung.

Jaemin also got taller over the summer and though they were nearly the same height, the two years between the two of them was as present as the sun is in the sky. Jaemin’s jaw had grown sharp and firm, his neck tall and his shoulders spreading outward almost like wings. He even decided to bleach his hair a lighter brown and started styling it away from his face occasionally. Jisung remembers going to the movies with his hyungs to realize all of the girls (and some of the boys) in the theatre were staring at his unfairly good looking roommate and hyung, Na Jaemin.

Jaemin suddenly seemed impossibly older, impossibly more mature looking, impossible to reach. It made Jisung a little insecure, though he would never outwardly vocalize it.

He remembers the afternoon when the realization hit him. Jisung, Jaemin and Renjun were at the skate park, finally going after weeks of wanting to. Usually, they wouldn’t have gone because Jisung can’t even ride a bike much less skateboard and Chenle would vote against it as well because Jisung begged him to but Chenle spent the last month of summer in China with his parents so the vote was two to one. Jisung walked around the surrounding area, feeding the ducks and taking pretty pictures of the flowers, sky and his hyungs. Eventually, Renjun gave Jisung money to go to the burger place across the street and buy them food. When he came back, that’s when it happened.

Renjun, also, had grown, though Jisung didn’t notice either of their spurts until that moment. The older Chinese hyung’s shoulders, too, had broadened yet he looked so tiny next to Jaemin. The other boy towered over him as they stood under the shade of a tree and his smile was infectious.

For some reason Jisung felt very out of place and when he handed them the bag of burgers, like he was interrupting something.

Today would be the first time seeing Chenle in over thirty-one days. They spoke briefly on the phone during his trip and texted each other often, but Jisung couldn’t help but feel a distance forming. He wondered if Chenle too got taller, if his shoulders broadened, if his soft hands suddenly became rough and large, if his gentle cheeks sharpened, if his voice dropped yet.

These ideas scared Jisung more than he cared to admit. For some reason, the idea of Chenle changing scared Jisung more than changing himself.

Everything seemed to be moving too quickly, everything changing too suddenly. Jisung felt like he was cemented in the same spot while everyone around him was running ahead. He felt so helpless, so pathetic, so _alone_.

But maybe, just maybe, Chenle was the same too. Maybe there were four feet locked in that cement instead of two.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung had been to the high school only a handful of times, but he remembered it well. The building was quite tall and big, being an average public high school with a red brick exterior and full of buzzing high school students. Everyone had matching uniforms, the same plaid navy skirts and slacks and white button ups adorned with matching blue ties.

“Are you nervous?” Jaemin asked.

Jisung just blinked blankly. “Nervous?”

“For the first day of school.” Jaemin continued, giving the younger a familiar smile.

“Not really.” Jisung says.

But when he sees _him_ he knows that wasn’t completely true. He may not be nervous for the first day of school but he was beyond anxious to see Chenle.

Chenle was dressed just like everybody else except his hair was much, _much_ lighter. His previous dark and long strands, usually hastily pushed back away from his face in a messy middle part was now a light dirty blonde brown color and his bangs were down and covered his forehead. He didn’t appear any taller but his face seemed sharper, the keen angles of his face that didn’t seem to exist before was even more prominent with his new light hair.

Their eyes met within a sliver of a moment, as if Chenle could sense Jisung’s presence.

In that sliver of a moment, Jisung felt the familiar warmth fill his chest, like a small sun had bloomed in between his rib cage and his heart. Chenle smiled a bright smile, the one that made his huge eyes press into two pretty horizontal lines against his face and two small and dainty crater form in between the high points of his cheeks and his eyes. He looked like the center of a storm in the slow drizzle of the morning rain. He looked like the star at the center of a dark and cold solar system against the backdrop of mindless high school students.

“Sungie!” Chenle yelled, turning heads immediately with his loud voice. He steps out from under the protection of Renjun’s umbrella and into the rain, running towards Jisung.

Jisung doesn’t know what otherworldly force overcomes him but suddenly his feet are hitting the ground at record speed, not even flinching when he soaked his shoes in a puddle. It was like everything around Jisung became secondary, peripheral vision and his only focus was Chenle and his warm smile. All the noise around him was muted by the drizzle of the rain and all he could hear was Chenle calling his name. Everything was blurry and odd sounding, as if everything around him was underwater. All Jisung could see––could think of, could even _fathom_ of––was Zhong Chenle.

They collided halfway across the courtyard, hands and arms searching and patting down each other’s bodies like they haven’t seen each other in a lifetime when they were only apart for a couple of weeks.

“You got so much taller!” Chenle said, holding his hand against Jisung’s forehead where his he reached. “You’re taller now, Sungie!”

“Yeah, you got bigger too.” Jisung grinned. He felt like all his nervousness faded the second he heard Chenle’s voice. “Your face got bigger, I mean.”

Chenle half heartedly shoved Jisung and pulled him in close for a hug. Before Jisung could react or worry about wandering eyes, Chenle says quietly against his ear,

“I missed you so much, Jisung Park.”

Chenle tugged them both toward Renjun and his tiny umbrella. By the time Jaemin came to the umbrella, Renjun was groaning about how he was getting wet, something about too many people under it.

“Nana-hyung, you got even taller than Sungie did!” Chenle smiles brightly and something twists inside Jisung, “And you even got more handsome!”

Jaemin laughs happily as Jisung tries to ignore the bitter feeling that tugs under his skin and nerve endings. He tears his eyes away from the two when Jaemin pulls Chenle into a tight hug. For some reason, it hurts to see the way Chenle is looking at his hyung.

“Jisung.” Renjun says quietly, so only the two of them can hear. “Are you okay?”

Jisung rubs his eyes, trying his best to focus. He feels very nervous again. It’s like a strange itch inside his lungs that he can’t reach and it’s pulsing more and more by the minute. It’s almost a little overbearing. Why does he feel so nervous?

“I just feel a little nervous.”

Renjun blinks blankly at him, “Because of Chenle or school?”

Jisung feels his heart hammer against his chest the second the Chinese hyung says _his_ name. He already knows the reason why his palms are sweaty and his head is buzzing and his heart is beating too fast. Jisung just isn’t ready to confront such things yet.

What is one white lie?

“School.” He says simply.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung’s morning classes are uneventful and boring. He has the same homeroom and math class as Chenle (which means he probably won’t have the _greatest_ marks in said class) but otherwise Jisung didn’t know anybody in his classes. Only a girl in his science class with very pretty dimples named Herin talks to him. They sat next to each other and she was bright and happy and beyond too smart to be the same grade as Jisung.

By lunch, Jisung was mentally exhausted.

In middle school, Jisung and Chenle miraculously had every class together, assuring that Jisung would never be bored or lonely but also creating a situation where Jisung always relied on Chenle. Jisung didn’t realize how shy he was, how difficult it was for him to talk to strangers, until Chenle was no longer next to him. He’s sure Chenle isn’t as co-dependent on him and for some reason the thought bothers Jisung more than he’d like to admit.

Jisung waits at the entrance staircase of the third floor for Chenle and his hyungs.

Renjun had sternly told Chenle and Jisung to meet them there, pointing an obnoxious finger at them to get his point across. He was acting like a stressed parent sending their child off to school for the first time. He had passive aggressively hugged the two of them before Jaemin pulled him down the hall to their homeroom.

Chenle told Jisung that Renjun has been an anxious mess like that the past couple days and even had a mini nervous breakdown because of university applications.

Jisung wonders what it’ll be like if Renjun goes away for college, or worse, if Jaemin––

“What are you thinking about?” A voice interrupts his thoughts abruptly, a high and lovely voice penetrating his mind and melting away any previous worries.

Chenle is standing at the end of the staircase and approaching him. His tie is still straightened and perfect, unlike Jisung who had pulled it out by second period. Chenle’s blonde hair is still startling, a dull dirty blonde but still strikingly different from his previous deep brown hair. Jisung can’t keep his eyes from widening as he stares. Chenle had been gone for a month and even thirty days apart from him was too long. Jisung had to memorize every feature on the Chinese boy’s face; he had to recall every familiar aspect and learn every new one. Somehow, Chenle seemed foreign yet completely mundane at once.

“N–nothing.” Jisung stuttered.

Chenle sat down next to him easily and Jisung, as if pulled by gravity, turned to meet him.

“How was your classes?” Chenle asked.

“Boring.”

“Come, on… that’s it? Did you meet anyone? Were your teachers nice?”

Jisung blinked, racking his brain for something to say before it became too obvious that he was staring.

“Uh, I met this really nice girl named Herin. She has really cute dimples.” Jisung rubbed his eyes. “My teachers were okay I guess.”

When he opens them again, he finds that _Chenle_ is staring at _him_. Chenle is an extremely honest person and being friends with him for almost 10 years has taught Jisung how to read him better than anyone. He can tell that Chenle is upset by the corners of his lips. Jisung can tell Chenle is tired by the puffiness of his eyes. If Chenle were to be a novel Jisung would have memorized every page.

But for some reason, the expression painted across Chenle’s face is completely unrecognizable to Jisung. His lips are pressed together and his eyes are foggy and closed over. He seems very far away for a brief moment.

“My teachers were nice too.” Chenle says quickly before Jisung can speak and he smiles brightly, his eyes forming pretty crescents that makes Jisung’s heart beat a billion times quicker. The expression is gone but not forgotten.

“Anyways, what is taking hyungs so long? And _Renjun-gē_ was worried _we’d_ get lost or be late.”

“Hey, don’t be such an asshole, Zhong Chenle.” A voice says from behind them.

The two younger boys look up to see their hyungs staring down at them and in particular, a certain Huang Renjun.

“ _Gēgē,_ I didn’t mean it like _that_. You know that!” Chenle says, smiling apologetically. He mumbles as an afterthought, “Not that I was wrong…”

“Uh-huh, sure you didn’t.” Jaemin said, helping the two of them up.

When Jisung stood up, he realized that it wasn’t just the four of them in the staircase.

Behind Jaemin and Renjun were two other boys.

One of them was as tall as Jaemin, with a ridiculously handsome face. He had pretty crescent shaped eyes, creased to almost two moons against his face in amusement. His nose was protruding and tall, almost Western like, and his face was sharp. The boy’s hair was strikingly platinum, nearly white in the light but his roots were growing in slightly. His hair was styled expertly and he stood straight and confident. Jisung found himself unable to look at the white haired boy for too long without feeling strange.

The boy next to him, too, had brightly colored hair, a glossy red color, the texture slightly dead and dry but pretty nonetheless. What stood out even more than his hair was his deep honey skin, pretty and golden. His face was softer than the boy next to his, but perhaps even more unique. His eyes were a delirious golden brown and shaped like almonds. His nostrils were big and his lips round. His neck was perfectly curved and there was one mole perfectly placed at his adam’s apple.

And they were holding hands.

Jisung stared at their intertwined fingers for an indefinite amount of time. He studied the way the red boy’s fingers were thinner and longer, while the white haired boy’s was thicker yet more pronounced. He focused on the way their energy seemed to bounce off each other in bright beams of sunlight on a rainy day.

Jisung could identify the feelings bottling up at the center of his collarbones very clearly: fear and wanting.

The red boy caught Jisung’s eye and offered a mischievously handsome smile. Jisung found himself a little red and flustered at how oddly attractive he looked when he smiled.

“Oh!” Jaemin said, “I almost forgot. This is who I wanted to introduce you guys to. You know, the people I mentioned this morning?”

“You mentioned someone this morning?” Jisung blurts out before he could stop himself.

“He did.” Chenle said brightly, already standing. He turns to Jaemin and says, “Bold of you to assume that Sungie was listening to you.”

He gets up first, holding his hand out to the new additions to their little group (or were _they_ the new additions to _their_ group?).

“It’s nice to meet you! I’m Chenle!”

The white boy looked quite shocked but the red one seemed mild, eyes wide as he accepted Chenle’s hands.

“Nice to meet you, Chenle-ssi, I’m Donghyuck.” His voice is lovely and high toned. Donghyuck turns to the boy next to him, who’s holding his hand still. “And this is my boyfriend.”

“I’m Jeno.”

“It’s nice to meet you hyung!”

Jeno’s eyes widened again but Donghyuck’s laughter breaks the slight tension and his boyfriend follows suit. Jisung stares at his eyes.

“Chenle, you’ve lived here long enough––” Renjun groans, about to lecture him on the honorifics used to address strangers.

“Injunnie, it’s okay!” Donghyuck says. “You can call us hyung.”

Chenle smiles brightly and vigorously shakes his hand again.

“And this one?” Jeno asks, his smile not faulting. “Is this your little brother from the orphanage Nana?”

Jisung blinks blankly at the nickname before quickly realizing the question was directed at Jaemin and about _him_.

“I–I’m Jisung. Park Jisung.” Jisung scrambles to get up and nearly trips over himself, falling down the stairs, if not for Renjun’s careful hold on his arm.

Jeno lets go of his boyfriend’s hand and walks up to Jisung holding his hand out personally, his eyes forming into crescents once more as he smiled brightly, “You’re a dancer right? You should join the club at school because––”

“Lee Jeno will you honestly _shut up_ about your stupid ass dance club! Just because they elected you the new leader doesn’t mean you have to _harass_ _every_ fucking first year into joining!”

“I’m not harassing Jisungie! I literally just met him and I’m trying to be nice and––”

“Look at the poor boy! He’s terrified! You’re scaring him!”

“No I’m not! _You’re_ the one who’s––”

“Honestly can you two shut up for two fucking seconds?” Renjun whisper shouts. “We’re in the middle of the school! Do you _want_ us to get in trouble? At least wait till the second day of school, oh my god.”

Renjun looked genuinely stressed out and pressed his glasses up against his nose with a loud huff, making Jaemin laugh even louder and wrap an arm around the smaller boy.

“Come on, let’s go to lunch.” Jaemin chuckles lightly, leading them to the snack bar.

 

✰✰✰

 

By the third month into the school year Jisung suspects there is something wrong. Maybe ‘wrong’ is too strong or aggressive of a word but Jisung is _sure_ that something is different.

It began when Chenle decided to join the choir after an offer from Donghyuck and quick encouragement from Renjun. That meant, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after school, for at least an hour, Chenle was always busy. Jisung tried not to let the idea bother him too much and tried to focus on school. Chenle is his friend, not his possession, and should be allowed to whatever he wants. Jisung tried to be as supportive as possible without letting his personal feelings intervene.

And for the first couple weeks, it was okay. They still saw each other at lunch everyday and still hang out at the park and feed Goku every single Saturday but for some unknown reason, the air is different. They speak less. There is more effort needed in a previously effortless relationship. Something changed and the distance broke something Jisung didn’t even realize was so precious.

It only gets worse as time goes on, because they barely have classes together. Before Jisung realizes it, Chenle is ditching him for some sunbaes he met at choir.

It’s the first time in a really long time that Jisung cries. He knows Jaemin hears him but the next day he tries his best to hide how sleepless his eyes are and how puffy his face is with glasses and a mask.

It’s what he does best anyways: pretending.

 

✰✰✰

 

At lunch in early November, something happens.

It’s oddly nice outside considering the time of year so the six boys head outside, near the courtyard, to eat. The sun is bright in the sky and it’s a little windy and cold but still nicer than the rest of the weather they’d gotten recently.

Jisung is eating his bibimbap mindlessly, listening to Chenle chatter on about a movie that him and some boy from choir had seen last weekend while trying to keep Donghyuck from taking his food. Renjun was sitting next to Chenle, where the lighting was best and carefully blending the shading of a hand sketched flower.

“––And then, like, killer popped out of _nowhere_ and stabbed the main character! Oh my god, Sungie imagine, yeah? I’m literally sitting in a packed ass theatre, screaming my head off. Jeongin wasn’t any better either! He’s even more of a scaredy cat than me! Though not as much as you are. Anyways––”

“You saw the movie with _Jeongin_?” Donghyuck asks, finally halting his assault on Jisung’s lunch to wiggle his eyebrows suggestively at Chenle. “Are we talking about the same Jeongin? Wavy black hair? Cutest little face? Kinda looks like a fox and sings a lot of trot?”

Chenle’s face brightens when Donghyuck says his name and Jisung’s heart burns at how happy the boy across from him looks. For some reason, he can’t bring himself to dislike this Jeongin boy, despite how much he wants to. He clearly made Chenle so happy.

“Yeah! We’ve been hanging out a lot lately.” Chenle turns to Jisung, “I’ll introduce you to him soon! He’s as old as me so he’s a second year.”

“O–okay.” Jisung says, unsure, before turning back to his food.

Jisung tries his best not to listen in too much into Donghyuck and Chenle continue to discuss the boy but he can’t ignore Renjun’s pointed looks at him.

Sometimes he regrets telling Renjun _it_ . It’s not something he can even admit to himself and yet in the middle of a burger place, Jisung had blurted it out to Renjun when he was 15. Sometimes, it doesn’t bother Jisung that Renjun knows. It brings him a strange calm mindfulness that someone else knows a secret so well kept that Jisung can sometimes convince himself that it’s not real. It means, if it ever gets _too_ much, there’s someone to confide in, even if Jisung pretty much never wants to talk about _it_.

But other times like this, telling Renjun feels like the worst mistake of Jisung’s entire life.

Renjun is staring at him and sitting perfectly still, blending utensil still in hand, his newly dyed light brown hair bright in the high sun. His eyes are difficult to meet and his glare is scolding Jisung, even if his lips aren’t moving.

“Hyung, he was being _so_ cute.” Jisung hears Chenle whine when he finally tears his eyes away from Renjun’s telepathic lecturing, “You know that pout Jeonginie does when he tries to get you to buy him food? He was doing _that_ when I said I had to go home after. I felt so bad, he wanted to go to the arcade.”

“I forget Injunnie’s parents can be so strict sometimes but oh my god, it’s your first date! They should have just let you stay out for a little longer!” Donghyuck exclaims.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Chenle groans, leaning over the table to attack Donghyuck and attempt to get him to shut up (which never works because Lee Donghyuck is physically incapable of being quiet for more than a millisecond), “It wasn’t a date!”

Jisung feels his heart hammer underneath his skin like a billion dormant volcanoes were suddenly bubbling again, forming an uncomfortable hot pain that stabbed at his insides. Everything is very clouded and he can’t think anymore. Jisung feels like he’s about to self implode and his chopsticks shake in his hand.

Jisung hates that he feels this way. Jisung hates that of all the people on the planet he had to feel such things for Zhong Chenle. But more than anything, Jisung hates _himself_ for feeling such a way.

“We’re back.” Jaemin announces, slapping Jisung on his back and taking a seat next to him.

The hit makes Jisung literally whimper, shaking his entire body. The impact of what usually would be a friendly and casual pat from his hyung vibrates throughout his entire body and makes his head dizzy. Jisung feels so ridiculously breathless that it actually hurts his lungs to inhale any oxygen at all. His hands are shaking so hard and yet he can’t feel them at all, like all the blood that usually flows through them shot into his brain. His vision quickly became blurred and it grew more and more difficult to sit in the courtyard of the school, wind viciously blowing, sun beating down on his back.

A paralyzing realization comes waving over Jisung like a great, big tidal wave, drowning him and suffocating him under its weight:

He doesn’t want to be here.

Jisung doesn’t know where he’d rather be, or even what ‘here’ _is_ but he knows that he doesn’t want it. Maybe ‘here’ is the school, or this town or Korea or planet Earth.

Or maybe ‘here’ is just living.

Jisung just knows he doesn’t want to be _here_ anymore.

“Sungie here we got you banana milk.” Jeno rolls the tiny bottle across the table and Jisung looks up.

It was the worst possible moment to look up.

In that moment, another realization comes before him: Jisung has never seen Donghyuck and Jeno kiss.

Sure, he’s never seen _any_ two boys kiss but since knowing them for nearly three months, shouldn’t Jisung have seen them kiss before?

To be fair, Jeno and Donghyuck aren’t that type of couple. They only hold hands and hug in public, never showing too much affection. When they sat next to each other they were never ridiculously close, though Donghyuck did like to lay his head against Jeno’s shoulder. At most, sometimes when Donghyuck was really happy or really sad or really angry––only during the most extreme of emotions––Jeno would give him a soft kiss on his cheek or jaw, but only when he thought nobody was looking.

But never like this.

Through his blurry tears and eyes, Jisung sees Donghyuck lean over with tightly squeezed eyes and place a gentle kiss on Jeno, who is half shocked, half pleasantly surprised. He returns the kiss with great affection and it makes every nerve in Jisung’s body go cold.

He doesn’t realize he’s sobbing until he gets up, half running half limping to the door inside the school.

Jaemin’s concerned calls and Renjun’s gentle voice and Donghyuck’s confused words blur; Jisung hears everything very slowly. It was like he was _actually_ drowning and he feels like his head is violently hitting sand over and over again. Some unknown force is pushing him down every time he’s able to swim to the surface and is pushing his ribs deep into his lungs until he feels the pain of bruises blossoming under his skin.

It’s difficult to hear anything. It’s difficult to _feel_ anything.

The one thing he _can_ hear, however, is Chenle’s brilliant lispy voice saying,

“Sungie––”

But before he could hear the rest, he’s already far away from there.

 

✰✰✰

 

When Jisung finally made it into the boy’s bathroom, he was too dizzy and his tears were too thick for him to notice if anyone was around him. He ran through the door and made a sharp turn for one of the stalls (the big handicap one specifically) but ran into the wall. His arm erupted in a sharp and hot pain and he choked out a sob when he hit it. Jisung’s entire body was throbbing, shaking in an unknown fear. What was this breathlessness? What was this claustrophobic occurrence? Why was the world suddenly spinning in every direction possible off its axis?

Why did it feel like he was going to die?

Jisung’s hands were shaking so hard that he couldn’t feel them anymore and his entire body––his cheeks, his neck, his chest, his arms, his legs––felt like they were lit with a never ending fire from inside his veins.

With a loud clap, he slammed the stall door shut, not even bothering to lock it, _unable_ to lock it. Hell, he was unable to _move_. All Jisung could do was cry out choked breaths of air and shake like a child cold and soaked in the rain.

He sunk to the floor next to the toilet, staring at shaking hands through blurry vision. Slowly, Jisung brought them to the sides of his neck and quickly sunk his nails in. The sharp pain, a contrasting cool from the burn that coursed through him, shocked him and for a brief moment, enough to allow him to breathe. The moment didn’t last very long however so Jisung sunk his nails in deeper and deeper. Jisung pushed his fingers up to his jaw and dragged them back down into his collar until he could feel his skin break.

Jisung continued this repeated motion for an indefinite amount of time; somewhere between a couple minutes and an eternity he scratched.

“Jisung! Stop!” A familiar voice broke his trance and suddenly his vision was very clear. He didn’t even realize he wasn’t crying anymore. “What are you doing?”

Renjun was before Jisung, holding his hands out and examining his fingers.

“H–hyung?” Jisung stuttered, his hands beginning to shake again. “I–I don’t––how d–do I––”

“Sungie please don’t talk.” Renjun said, his voice quivering a little, “Just breathe, please.”

“C–can’t.” Jisung choked out, his vision blurring again. “H–hurts. Everything is… too l–loud.”

“Hey, please just listen to my voice. Nothing else. Just me.” Renjun says, “I’ll do it with you.”

And he counts his breaths, in and out, for several minutes.

Jisung’s chest starts to stutter away from his hyperventilation and his head becomes less throbbing and more numb. His vision clears but every bone in his body has been melted to jelly by the previous fire and he’s so worn that all he can do is close his eyes and listen to his hyung’s voice.

Just when Jisung thinks he’s okay, that he can _breathe_ , Donghyuck comes barging in.

“PARK JISUNG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Donghyuck exclaims, clearly angry. His sharp voice pierced through Jisung’s body like a bullet until it felt as though he was bleeding out onto the floor.

Donghyuck continues, “JENO AND I NEVER KISS IN PUBLIC FOR THIS VERY REASON! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE A HOMOPHOBIC PIECE OF SHIT!”

Jisung is shaking until the word ‘homophobic’. His blood runs cold at the word. Suddenly every fear in his body is replaced with an overwhelming rage. It blurs his vision with tears and makes his head throb with fire.

“I’M NOT FUCKING HOMOPHOBIC, I’M FUCKING _GAY_!” Jisung screeches, perhaps even loud enough for someone outside the bathroom to hear.

Jisung doesn’t care––he doesn’t _want_ to care. Once the words left his mouth, he felt like Atlas and the world was being finally lifted off his shoulders. Jisung felt like his insides weren’t so cold anymore.

Donghyuck’s expression is odd. His eyebrows are raised and his mouth is open, which indicate that he’s shocked but his eyes say something different. They’re dilated, dazed and and blurry. He’s sad, he’s scared. He’s sad and scared for _Jisung_.

When Jisung turns to Renjun who is still holding his hands tightly, he realizes this hyung has the same emotion in his eyes.

More than anything, there is familiarity in their eyes. They know the sight before them well.

Silently and without saying another word, Donghyuck walks over to Jisung and wraps his arms tightly around him. Renjun joins them.

And it stops the shaking after a while, but the hot waves of breathlessness still run through his veins.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung can’t go to school without a turtleneck on for a very long time. He begins to wear them daily under his button ups and even uses the little money he has on buying two more, since he only had one and he couldn’t wash _and_ dry it everyday in time for school. If Jaemin notices the red lines lining the sides of Jisung’s neck or the multiplying ones on his forearms he doesn’t say anything.

For the most part, Jisung is glad his hyung knows not to pry in things like this. Jaemin doesn’t act like anything has changed, though Jisung is sure Renjun or Donghyuck had explained to him the situation (the gay part included, he’s unsure). But a small part of him wishes that Jaemin would confront him about it. Jisung doesn’t know why he feels this way, especially when his reaction would probably be horrific.  

Jisung ignores this part of himself, as he does with many.

 

✰✰✰

 

By late November, the scratches have faded and his skin is back to normal. Jisung is glad and even applied various ointments onto them to speed up the healing process. It’s easier to avoid Chenle at school when they have barely any classes together and Chenle is always busy, but on his birthday, Chenle would interrogate the hell out of Jisung if he was wearing a turtleneck.

Jisung’s brain was still buzzing however, despite that worry being erased. What was he to wear? What if there were more people than Chenle promised? What if all his new friends were too cool for Jisung? What if _Jeongin––_

Renjun had texted Jisung six hours before the party, as if he had read his mind (which he might as well have; Huang Renjun has strange telepathic abilities).

_‘Don’t overdress, we’re just watching movies. There’s only gonna be like, 9 people there. Jeongin is one of them. I’m sorry. Don’t overthink it tho, okay?’_

Jisung left him on read (like he always did) and quickly decided what he was going to wear. He pulled a green sweater over his head and tugged on blue skinny jeans. He stared at himself in the mirror while his hyung showered, trying on literally every hat in their room.

When Jaemin came out of the bathroom, towel on his head, he was wearing the pretty embroidered sweater that Renjun had bought him for his birthday on tucked into dark pants.

Jaemin laid on his bed almost immediately, scrolling through his laptop.

“H–hyung?” Jisung asked, hesitation evident in his voice.

Jaemin’s head shot up, staring at his little brother with a little bit of shock and mostly delightment. Jisung didn’t realize how little he had been talking to his hyung until that moment.

Jaemin offered Jisung his usual warm grin, which Jisung tried to return and nodded his head for the younger to continue.

“Do you think I look… plain?” Jisung asked, unable to meet his hyung’s eyes. “Like… ridiculously ordinary? B–boring?”

“Sungie…” Jaemin frowns, leaning on his elbows to watch Jisung critique himself in the mirror. “Why are you asking?”

“So I do look boring.” Jisung sighs.

“No! That’s _not_ what I meant!” Jaemin’s cheeks turned pink in frustration. “Okay well maybe a little. But it’s okay! Who are you trying to impress?”

An image of a certain blonde Chinese boy flashed before Jisung’s eyes but he kept this mouth shut.

“Nobody.” Jisung says instead, “It’s just… I feel like… I don’t look mature enough. I don’t look my age. Hyung, I’m not really handsome am I?”

Jaemin’s faced turned red from how quickly he jumped out of bed, even landing face first into the floor. If not for his overwhelming insecurities and vulnerability in that moment, Jisung would’ve laughed his ass off.

“No! You’re _really really_ handsome, Sungie!” Jaemin reassures, “You’re super _super_ cute! Sometimes, you’re so cute I want to take a fat bite out of your cheeks.”

“Hyung, that’s not making me feel better.” Jisung sighs, abandoning the last hat on the floor, turning to meet his hyung’s eyes. “I don’t want to be cute anymore. I’m 16.”

Jaemin gave him an all-knowing look, the one that him, Renjun, Donghyuck and Jeno shared often when looking at Chenle and Jisung, though they were only a couple years older.

“Okay, well what do you think you need to change?” Jaemin asks, crossing his legs in-between them.

“I don’t know, I just want something… different.”

They sit and bonder the statement for quite some time. Jisung chewed at his lip, wondering how on earth some people looked so nice all the time while he looked like an undercooked rice cake. Jisung studied his hyung while he thought about Jisung’s statement. When did Jaemin become so… _different_ ? So _mature-looking_? Between his growth spurt and all his baby fat melting off his face, Jisung honestly couldn’t tell.

A certain Zhong Chenle appeared in Jisung’s mind, as the boy often did. One month, thirty-one days

hardly any time at _all_ ; and yet Chenle seemed so different. The idea of this change caused Jisung a hopeless distress. It’s not that different was bad, but that everyone was becoming different except him. Jaemin, Renjun, _Chenle_ were all running forward at an alarming rate and yet Jisung couldn’t get his 4  feet to move at all.

Did changing one’s self take current small changes or one big one? Why did one have to change at all?

 _Chenle,_ Jisung thought, tearing his eyes away from his reflection and focusing on the upper right corner of the mirror Jaemin and him shared, _What would you tell me? What did you do that changed you so much?_

Jisung’s mind played a kaleidoscope of slowly moving images of Chenle. He remembered when they met, Chenle’s hair still dark and cut short, small stray away strands pressed against his temple and his lips always red. He remembered when they started middle school and Chenle’s hair was too long, hanging in uneven layers in front of his face. Jisung remembers how much he constantly wanted to run his fingers through the black strands, to push them away and reveal the beautiful face underneath. Jisung remembers the last time they hung out before Chenle went to China, how Chenle had a flower tucked behind his ear that Goku had tied to his collar when they found him in the park. He remembered how absolutely stunning, how completely breathtaking Zhong Chenle looked with flowers in his hair and sunlight casting shadows against his eyelashes in the late July evening.

All at once, an epiphany bloomed upon Jisung as he thought about how starking and coldly immaculate Chenle looked and by the way Jaemin was staring at himself in the mirror, he knew it too.

 

✰✰✰

 

Jisung couldn’t stop touching his hair and for the first time in his life, he couldn’t stop looking at himself upon every reflective surface possible. It felt odd, knowing that you looked different and yet not feeling any different. Jisung knew that blonde, _very_ light blonde at that, was completely different from his dark black hair and yet he still felt the same.

“Maybe it’ll take some time.” Jaemin had told him after they blow dried his hair. “The real question is: do you like it? If you don’t like it, whether someone else does or doesn’t doesn’t matter.”

Jisung thought about it for the rest of the bus ride. _Did_ he like it? Isn’t Jaemin-hyung right? What does another person’s opinion matter really?

When they got to the Huang residence, Jaemin rang the doorbell, holding Chenle’s present in his other hand. It was a gift card to Chenle’s favorite milk tea spot a couple blocks away from the school and a cheesy handwritten card (Jaemin’s specialty).

Renjun opened the door, an oversized white hoodie and ripped jeans on, fuzzy socks against the hardwood floors. He smiled softly and though it was subtle, Jisung caught his slight lingering glance at Jaemin.

“You guys are here! You’re the last ones. Chenle’s friends and Nohyuck are already here.” His eyes adjusted and he looked closely at Jisung, squinting at him, “Is that a wig?”

Jaemin laughed loudly but Jisung just rolled his eyes.

“What the hell is a Nohyuck?” Jisung asked, slipping off his shoes and carefully placing it next to the Huang’s shoe rack.

“Park Jisung your hair is _blonde_. Who condoned this? I did not approve!”

“Do you not like it?” Jisung asked, slipping off his sneakers and placing it neatly on the Huang shoe rack.

“Uh, as his legal guardian–”

“Jaemin-hyung you are _not_ my legal fucking guardian.”

“No! I love it!” Ren offered the two of them a friendly and yet all knowing smile. “He’ll like it too.”

Jisung flinches at his mention.

Inside, like Renjun said, was a room half full of people. There were about half a dozen unfamiliar faces sipping on cups of milk tea from the store down the street and blankets and pillows were carelessly strewn everywhere. Renjun’s laptop was already plugged into the TV and the mouse was hovering over _Zootopia_.

Chenle was nowhere to be seen.

“Jisung, you’re here!” Hyuck smiled, getting up to drag him towards the spot him and Jeno were sitting at. He pauses, “And aggressively blonde.”

“Hyung it’s not _aggressive_.” Jisung groaned. “Does it look okay?”

“It looks great Jisung-ah!” Jeno jabs his boyfriend in the ribs. “You look great!”

“Like a little lemon.”

“ _Donghyuck_.”

“Where’s Renmin? Making out?” Donghyuck said, sipping on his strawberry milk tea mischievously.

“Shut the hell up Donghyuck.” Renjun said, flopping down next to Jisung, his face beet red.

Jaemin wrapped a comfortable arm around the Chinese boy, smiling brightly as he snugged his head against Renjun’s side before laying his head on his lap.

“Did you get us any?” Jaemin asked, looking up at Renjun with sparkling eyes.

“Y–yeah.” Renjun refused to look at Jaemin and handed them both their drinks wordlessly.

Jisung takes the drink and sips it but his mind is elsewhere.

_Where is Chenle?_

Jaemin sips his, not tearing his eyes away from Renjun. Jisung, like many times before, felt like he was invading something and yet, his curiosity told him that he needed to know what was to happen next.

“Injunnie, mine tastes weird today. Can I have a sip of your’s?” Jaemin asked, an innocent smile dancing across his face. Jisung wondered how he looked when he smiled, if he could be as attractive and charming as his hyung.

“What? Sure I guess––” But before the boy could finish his sentence, Jaemin was already diving up, his face merely centimeters away from Renjun’s face, their noses almost touching. He took a sip of the drink half raised to Renjun’s lips easily, blinking his long eyelashes up at him.

Jisung tears his eyes away. He takes it back. He really _doesn’t_ want to know what his gross ass hyungs do.

Renjun’s face got even redder, if possible and after several moments, he yelped, a delayed and odd reaction. Renjun pushed Jaemin off of him and stood up quickly before stiffly saying,

“I have to–– uh, go check on the pizzas!” He paused, turning around and heading to the kitchen. Then, more to himself than anyone else, “The–– the ones in the oven! Yeah! I have to do that!”

Jaemin turned to Donghyuck and Jeno, who were trying (with much difficulty) not to laugh at the scene that just occured before them.

“What?” Jisung pouted, sipping on his tea (which was probably fine). “Was it too much or too little?”

Jeno burst into loud laughter, throwing his arms around Donghyuck, who was giggling into his chest.

 _Where is Chenle?_ Jisung thought absentmindedly.

“It was fucking dumb, is what it was.” Donghyuck said through his laughter, “Have you ever heard of subtlety? Junnie looked like you had slapped him across the face with a brick!”

“Yeah, Nana, you scared the poor boy off.” Jeno added, “You know we’re ordering pizza right?”

Jaemin frowned deeply and continued to slurp his drink loudly. “Sungie? What do you think?”

“Uh…” Jisung couldn’t really focus on anything and he felt a bubbling feeling brewing under his skin. “I think Renjunnie-hyung probably doesn’t want to be hit on in front of other people. Maybe you should try when you guys are alone.”

Jaemin’s pout faltered and he started going on about how cute Renjun looked when he was embarrassed but Jisung couldn’t care less. He studied the people in the room carefully, trying match up the faces he’s seen with names he’s heard. There were about half a dozen other people than Jisung, Jaemin, Donghyuck and Jeno. Jisung wondered if this Jeongin boy was one of them.

“Sungie? You’re here!”

Like a string tugging at his heart, Jisung looked up immediately, snapping out of his quiet daze.

Chenle was standing at the staircase, a green hoodie on with old jeans underneath and his favorite furry pink slippers on. Jisung had gotten them for him when he turned 10 and they were a little (okay, a lot) too small on him but Chenle still wore them even if his heel stood out of them. He was smiling brightly and they reached his eyes wonderfully.

Jisung’s heart was slamming against his chest but the anxious feeling was still bone deep inside him. He suddenly felt the need to leave, to run away, to go home and just rewatch episodes of _Boku No Hero Academia_ by himself.

Chenle’s hands were tightly clasped around the boy next to him.

He was really, _really_ attractive and looked exactly like Donghyuck and Chenle had previously described him to be. His lips were a little chapped but his smile was wide, a peak of gray braces underneath. His eyes were sharp like a fox’s and his hair was a messy black across his face. He was pretty and pale and looked so very happy to be holding Chenle’s hand.

And Chenle looked so happy too. It’s his birthday and he’s Zhong Chenle. Jisung loved him too much to even be upset. If anything, he was upset at himself for even considering leaving over something that made him happy.

Chenle is Jisung’s best friend; if Chenle is happy, shouldn’t Jisung be happy for him?

“Y–– you’re blonde!” Chenle dragged the boy towards Jisung, and dropped his hand to reach up and pet Jisung’s head. “Like, blonder than I am!”

“I wanted to try something new…” Jisung mumbled, trying to calm his reddening face. “I felt like I looked boring before.”

Chenle smiled brightly, finally meeting Jisung’s eyes. Chenle’s smile pressed them into little half moons against his face and from this close, the dimple next to his cheekbones were very prevalent. Jisung suddenly wished he could disappear even more. He couldn’t deal with anyone staring at him like that, much less Zhong Chenle.

“You never looked boring!” Chenle grinned even wider when Jisung blushed. “Awe, my little baby. You’re so cute!”

His reaction makes Jisung’s heart pound with a nervous excitement. He suddenly was very happy that he allowed Jaemin to bleach his hair.

“Chenle––” Jisung whines when Chenle starts to pinch his cheek (a bad habit that he learned from Jaemin), “Stop, that hurts!”

For several brief moments, Jisung almost forgets the boy next to Chenle. But for only a little bit.

His laughter is cartoonish, very _ha ha ha_ and it tears Chenle’s eyes away from Jisung.

“Chenle,” He beings, “Was right. You _are_ adorable.”

Chenle’s face pinkens slightly at the boy’s words and for some reason Jisung feels odd looking at it.

“Sungie, this is Jeongin,.” Chenle drops his hand from Jisung’s cheek and all Jisung wants to do is clasp Chenle’s hand back but before he could even think the thought, Jeongin is holding it again.

“Jeonginie, this is Jisung, my _best_ friend.”

Jisung wishes he could be able to take pride in those words, in the way Chenle emphasizes _best_ . And yet, he can’t. For some reason the affection in the way Chenle says _Jeongin_ and the word _friend_ stick out more, hurt _more_.

“It’s nice to meet you finally, Jisung-shi!” Jeongin says, smiling as he swung their intertwined hands.

Before Jisung could think of a response, the lights were flipped off and Renjun came in carrying two boxes of pizza, laying it on the coffee table lazily and finally clicking on the movie.

“Innie,” Jisung heard Chenle whisper as he began to drag Jeongin to the other side of the room, “Will you sit with me?”

“Of course.” And Jisung could hear the smile in the older boy’s voice.

Jisung found himself squished in between Jaemin and Renjun, who were both completely surrounding him. Their legs were so tightly intertwined with Jisung it was difficult for him to even tell which set of legs was his. Jaemin’s hair was tickling his cheek. Their arms were wrapped around in front of Jisung. To Renjun’s other side, Hyuck was attached to Jeno like a koala. Jeno’s face was red, probably because he wasn’t the fondest of PDA, much less in front of strangers.

“Hey,” Renjun’s lips were pressed against Jisung’s ear as the movie started, “Don’t worry to much about it alright? Try to focus on the movie okay? Trust hyung.”

“Okay.” Jisung managed to say.

The entire time _Zootopia_ played, Jisung tried his best not to look at Chenle and Jeongin. They had Chenle’s favorite baby blue blanket thrown over them but from the position of their bodies and the shapes the shadows casted from the screen made, Jisung could tell they were cuddling.

He felt an odd sense of jealousy pierce through every cell of his body.

 _Be happy for Lele._ Jisung chidded himself, _It’s his birthday and he’s happy. Let him be happy_.

He felt unbelievably guilty for being so bitter. This feeling, was so, _so_ terrible. Jisung couldn’t focus on the bunny or her attempts to become a police officer because all he could think about was his own morality. How terrible of a person is Jisung, to prioritize his _disgusting_ feelings to Chenle, to even _think_ about projecting them.

Jisung mentally notes to himself, _You won’t look at them again. Be happy._

And for a while, this works. For about half the film, Jisung can keep himself from looking in that direction. He tries his best to ignore Chenle’s soft giggles and distracts himself by eating the italian sausage pizza Renjun ordered. He feels a bit nauseous after three slices but chugs a bottle of water to soothe his growing belly ache.

He lets Renjun and Jaemin coddle him through the more violent scenes of the movie, like when Mr. Manchas attacks Nick and Judy. He even laughs when _Disney_ adds comedy relief into the movie and tries his best to enjoy himself, even if he could hardly breathe squished between his hyungs.

When Judy (the police bunny) finally returns to Zootopia after discovering the night howlers was just some random plant, Jisung finally breaks his streak and glances at Chenle and Jeongin absentmindedly.

Jisung can’t help but stare. There is a bitter flower blooming in replacement of the sun that had previously resided inside his between his ribs. The more Jisung stares at Chenle talking to Jaemin,  _ looking _ at him with  _ those  _ eyes, the more the pollen of such a flower contaminates his blood stream. It’s a disgusting and terrible thing and Jisung can’t recognize such an emotion. It poisoned him so quickly, he wasn’t sure what it was. 

Their faces are pressed close to each other and by the way Chenle is biting his lip, trying to contain his giggles, Jisung knows that they don’t think or want anyone looking. And within the brief moment that Jisung glances at them, he sees Chenle lean down gently, _slowly_ , and press a chaste kiss against Jeongin’s mouth.

Jisung sat there for a minute, unable to process what just happened before him. He couldn’t see anything else; the image of Chenle kissing _him_ played like a loop in his find that he couldn’t turn off. He couldn’t hear anything, he couldn’t feel anything and he definitely couldn’t focus on _Zootopia_.

When Jisung finally came to, they were giggling and laughing in each other’s arms, the blanket still tightly up at their necks. He felt _really_ nauseous now.

“Hyung, I––I don’t feel so good.” Jisung mumbles, unsure which hyung he was even speaking to.

“What?” Jaemin said, pulling away from their cuddle pile and helping Jisung up. “What’s wrong?”

“I feel sick.” Jisung whimpers, finally tearing his eyes away from Chenle and _him_ . “Hyung can we _please_ go?”

When he finally looks away, Jisung makes eye contact with Renjun immediately. The older boy is staring back at him sympathetically. He saw it too.

He reaches up to wipe a stray tear across Jisung’s nose. His touch makes Jisung flinch.

His stomach grumbles and he groans, _actually_ feeling sick. Renjun and Jaemin rush him to the bathroom, where he spills the content’s of his dinner down the Huang family’s toilet.

By the time they find out the sheep was the evil one, Jisung and Jaemin were already on the next bus home.

 

✰✰✰

 

The following weeks feel like the events before Ragnarok, before the end of the world.

Jisung decides that night, under his bed covers and crying into Jaemin’s nice sweater, that he is undeserving, that there’s something _wrong_ with him. Chenle looked so happy with _him_ ; why is Jisung _sad_ because his best friend is _happy_ ? How could he want that for Zhong Chenle, a boy that’s been with him through nearly everything, that makes him _happy_?

He couldn’t bring himself to look at Chenle without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt crashing upon his soul like a slap to the face. Jisung couldn’t eat right; everything tasted like cardboard and he never found himself hungry. Jisung couldn’t sleep well; his body was exhausted but his mind restless.

So he did the only thing he knew how to. He danced. Jisung throws himself into the dance club at school, viewing school work, socializing and even eating and sleeping as secondary priorities. He could tell that Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck were all worrying about him but as much as he loved his hyungs, this was not a mistake they could fix.

This was his burden to bare, and his only. Park Jisung deserved this.

 

✰✰✰

 

One day at lunch, in early December, Donghyuck being himself, dropped the biggest truth bomb on Jisung. He said what everyone else was afraid to.

“You know Park Jisung,” He begins, sipping his oolong peach tea nonchalantly, “You’re around a lot of LGBTQ people. I’m gay, Jeno is my very gay _boyfriend_ and we both know that your hyung and Renjun are _something_. Have you ever thought that you aren’t afraid of being gay?”

“H––hyung what do you mean?” Jisung stutters, his hot chocolate shaking in his shivering hands.

“Have you ever thought that you aren’t afraid of being gay,” He repeats, “but just afraid of being in love with Chenle?”

The second the words leave Donghyuck’s mouth, Jisung can see the regret spread across his hyung’s face through his tears. The words, the _truth_ , being said by someone else hurt him more than it ever could if it was from him. If someone else said it, it _must_ be the truth right? That he was in love with Chenle; that his love would one day hurt Chenle.

Jisung ends up puking everything he’d eaten in the past twenty-four hours (which wasn’t much, only an apple and cup ramen) through his tears and Renjun yells at Donghyuck so much he actually apologizes.

 

✰✰✰

 

The first time Jisung sees Chenle since his birthday is in late December, five days before Christmas.

He’s in the dance studio at school, stretching while Jaemin and Jeno go down the street to buy snacks. He’s halfway through the choreo of _The Eve_ by Exo when someone tackles him and pulls his headphones out.

Jisung recognizes the warm embrace immediately. He could never forget it.

Zhong Chenle’s small arms, clad in a well knit sweater, wrap around his waist and pulls Jisung close to his chest, burying his face into the crook of Jisung’s neck. Chenle’s lips are warm and as he breathes on Jisung for several moments, holding him close, Jisung finds himself unable to breathe at all. His warm breath doesn’t tickle Jisung but rather stings the scratched skin there. Chenle’s arms for the first time in the years of knowing him, feel crushing against Jisung’s skin. And despite the brain Chenle brought him, Jisung couldn’t bring himself to let go.

“Sungie!” Chenle said when he finally let go, spinning Jisung around. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in _forever_.”

“Yeah.” Jisung laughs awkwardly.

“Wait, your neck…” Chenle reaches up and touches the spot where his lips were moments ago, “Sungie why is your neck all red and irritated up? Jisung Park! Take care of yourself better! We don’t hang out for a month and you’re a mess!”

Jisung is too shocked to respond. He lets Chenle force him into his jacket and drag him out of the school.

“Come on Sungie, my auntie made muffins and I’ll buy you hot coco.”

Jisung hadn’t heard Chenle call him ‘Sungie’ in so long he couldn’t find himself resisting.

So he lets Chenle hold him by the wrist and drag him towards the convenience store where Jaemin and Jeno were supposed to be, pretending that the Chinese boy’s didn’t hurt him the entire time.

For brief moments, Jisung can see their hyungs in the distance, watching them, a bag of snacks in their arms. He glared harshly at the both of them.

They sat on the bench outside the store, eating cold muffins and overly hot and sweet hot coco. Chenle pressed his body against Jisung’s side for warmth and Jisung couldn’t bring himself to focus.

“I brought the muffins because Jaeminie-hyung told me you haven’t been eating a lot.” Chenle rambled cheerily as he unpacked the food from his backpack, “You’re a dancer Sungie so you know you have to eat a lot to do well!”

Jisung just nods glumly.

“So what’s been going on?” Chenle asks, though he doesn’t give Jisung time to answer (which Jisung is thankful for), “You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Goku and the park near the orphanage. We haven’t been there in so long, poor baby probably misses the milk bread. Probably starving half to death.”

Despite himself, Jisung laughs, which makes Chenle smile so bright that it hurts his heart.

“Yeah, we haven’t…” Jisung frowns slightly, “I miss it.”

“I’ve missed you, Sungie.” Chenle said, holding Jisung’s hand, his voice laced with an overwhelming sincerity. “This was the longest month of my life, without you.”

Chenle’s words make Jisung’s heart race, taken back by how sad Chenle sounded.

“I missed you so much Sungie. I don’t think we should ever be apart ever again.” Chenle pauses, turning to look at Jisung, his eyes shining, “Let’s see each other for a long time, alright?”

“O–– okay.” Jisung stutters, sipping the coco even though it burns his tongue. “Anyways, let’s go to the park soon. Goku probably _is_ starving half to death without milk bread.”

“Yes!” Chenle says, the sadness melting from his voice quickly, “I can bring Jeongin––”

 _His_ name ruins Jisung’s mood quickly. The image of them kissing his replaying in his head again and––

“And our really pretty theatre friend, Herin. You know her right? I think she mentioned––”

“No.” Jisung says, quietly but with a profound firmness.

“What?” Chenle asks, shocked.

“Just us. Nobody else.” Jisung pauses, “Please. Just me and you?”

Chenle’s eyes soften at the quiver in Jisung’s voice and Jisung feels weak, so _so_ weak for being unable to stay away. He was melting under Chenle’s brilliant and warm eyes, under his soft and tender touch.

“Okay Sungie. Anything for you.”

 

✰✰✰

 

By spring when the musical is over, Jeongin and Chenle have broken up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll hopefully be able to post the next chapter by november-december ish. love you all,, please leave me your thoughts !!


	5. to me it's only you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 pt 1: the realization of first love in the summer rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear lovely reader,
> 
> i'm so sorry that this chapter took so fucking long but as always, i put quality above all. i wanted to make sure this chapter was not only enjoyable to read but critical to the development of the story and of course, that it was as long as i wanted it to be (which it is and more, 9.6k hehe). I never would just post a filler chapter because i really do like stories with substance or post a chapter half as long as the ones i do because i view chapters as mini stories within a bigger one. to me, they're just as important as the story overall. if i wanted to write cute mini snippits i'd post one shots, which i don't. that's just not what i do. unfortunately this does mean it takes me forever to update so i really appreciate you continuing to read this story. it really does mean the world to me. 
> 
> and for the new readers here. welcome! i hope you're enjoying the story so far and i hope you stay with me and chensung through this story for a long time!
> 
> enjoy this fat meal of a chapter my babies :')
> 
> sincerely,  
> gia !!

**[to me it’s only you]**

_Words written only in books are becoming reality_

_Feels like my heart will explode soon_

_No, I can’t express this with any words_

_Yeah, to me, it’s only you_

 

✰✰✰

 

By the time summer began, everything was back to normal. Chenle and Jeongin broke their relationship off at a good place, both agreeing that it wouldn’t work out. Jeongin had said that it never felt right and though Chenle couldn’t admit it, he knew it too. They still saw each other sometimes, when the theatre crew would hang out together but never one on one, for the tension in the air was too awkward to bare.

In the winter, Chenle always felt so empty and cold. It was not because of the weather and it wasn’t something heating packs and soft words could cure; a frozen hole in his heart that seemed devoid of shape or matter. Chenle didn’t know what to do.

Chenle wasn’t dating anyone anymore. Jisung hasn’t dated anyone since that one girl in middle school. Their friendship is back to normal.

That fated day in late December, just before Christmas, is when Chenle saw Jisung. Chenle tried his best to ignore the small red marks peeking from the edge of Jisung’s collar, knowing it probably would hurt more for him if Chenle brought it up. Instead, he focused his eyes on Jisung’s shoulders, memorizing every angle and line of Jisung’s body as he danced. Jisung had changed, Chenle noticed with a paralyzing fear. He didn’t look the same and he was no longer the soft and familiar boy of Chenle’s childhood. Park Jisung looked like something out of smoke and dreams now.

He stood there for several moments, just watching him. Chenle missed him so much and the second he saw him, he knew just how to fill that hole. Like the gravitational pull that held the moon to the Earth, Chenle was pushed against Jisung’s back, his cheek flush against the boy’s neck and shoulders.

The words Jisung said to Chenle that day are ones that he could never forget.

_“Please. Just me and you?”_

He hopes Jisung understood the meaning behind his response, the promise that he would never break, not again. This, the air between them that spiked like electricity, the warmth of Jisung’s breath in contrast to the cold winter air against Chenle’s face; this is familiar. Some things, Chenle realized, would never change.

_“Okay Sungie. Anything for you.”_

(Maybe there was a lot of truth in the words Jeongin had said.)

 

✰✰✰

 

The summer came in waves of excruciating heat and on the rare days, a gentle drizzle of rain.

Jisung still danced often, though the scratches on his neck had disappeared completely, his old turtlenecks replaced with loose t-shirts and second-hand denim. He spends most of his time with Jaemin and Jeno at the dance studio they attend preparing for a show the studio scheduled for August. Chenle tried prying Jisung for a small teaser but gave up after a week and half after seeing how adamant the boy was about it.

Chenle spends half of the summer in libraries with Renjun as he compiles the last touches of his college applications and works on the last pieces for his portfolio. A lot of the time his hyung needs a change of scenery for inspiration so they only last about an hour in the library everyday before wandering the metropolitan buildings and structures nearby or the parks. Chenle finds himself being stared at intently by Renjun when he’s doing simple things like feeding ducks (or Goku, usually) before he realizes that Renjun is sketching him. Renjun never allows Chenle (or anyone he assumes) see more than a rough sketch. They’re all glimpses of a full masterpiece: a couple gentle lines of Jisung’s nose or light strokes of Donghyuck’s newly colored hair (light brown with streaks of pink, green, blue, orange and pink in it). Through snooping, Chenle has also seen a couple slightly more detailed drawings of Chenle’s hands or Jeno’s eye smile. When he asks Renjun about them, the older boy just shrugs and says he needs practice with people.

(Chenle notes silently to himself that he never saw anything even remotely resembling Jaemin, not that it was any of his business.)

In July, their group plans for a day at the beach. So at the asscrack of dawn (5:30 AM), they take the earliest train to Busan.

Chenle watched with a warm familiarity as Donghyuck snuggled himself against Jeno, who’s hair was completely flat for once, his roots growing out black and creating a stark contrast against his still bleached white hair and pale honey skin. Jaemin tried bothering Renjun for a little, tickling his cheek and distracting him as he tried to finish his shading on a tree they saw the other day. Eventually Renjun gets up and forces Donghyuck (who seemed very comfortable with Jeno’s hoodie on) to switch seats with him.

“What? No I wanna sit with my boyfriend.” Donghyuck says, kissing Jeno’s cheek as if to prove something, making Jeno’s cheeks redden so far that it peaked out of his face mask.

“Jaemin wants to play _Pokemon Go_ with you.” Renjun lied easily, his face a little red.

Chenle and Jisung watched silently Jaemin’s face drop, huffing as Donghyuck sat down next to him happily.

“Dude, why didn’t you just say so?”

Jaemin just gave him an irritated shrug.

Events like these seemed to be occurring more and more often, Chenle thought to himself and by the quizzical look that Jisung offered him, he knew Jisung was thinking the same thing. They were outsiders, watching a scene play before them. Whatever was happening, was not their problem, nor did they want it to be.

After watching _that_ , Chenle pulled out his iPad and Jisung and him began rewatched the war arc of _Naruto Shippuden_ together (Chenle had downloaded it for his two hour flight back to China last summer).

When they finally get to the beach, Chenle changes into his swimsuit quickly, excited to escape the hot air and swim until he prunes up like the sun dried cherry tomatoes that Renjun eats so often.

Chenle is sitting under an umbrella next to Jaemin while Renjun nags them about sun protection and sun cancer and how not to go too far or sharks will bite their legs off.

“Injunnie, you should put the sunscreen on my shoulders for me too.” Jaemin says as Renjun is squeezing the last out of the first bottle (though probably not the last, Chenle had seen Renjun bring six containers of sunscreen last night) onto Chenle’s hands so he can lather it on his face.

Renjun’s cheeks flare, his jaw turning red and he shakes as he tosses the bottle towards Jaemin.

“Do it your–– yourself.” He mumbles, getting up quickly, almost slipping against the warm sand. He grabs a new bottle and chucks it at Jaemin, almost hitting the poor boy in the face if not for Jaem’s quick reflexes. “I’m gonna go find the others! Chenle, you’re in charge.”

Chenle can’t help but laugh.

“Hyung you’re too aggressive, too forward.” Chenle tells Jaemin. “Renjunnie-hyung … you make him nervous.”

“What, did he tell you that?” Jaemin asks, still pouting, “Should I play hard to get?”

“No!”

“To which one?”

“Both of them.” Chenle responds, “Just be more _subtle_.”

As Jaemin goes across the street to buy fried chicken and lemonade for lunch Chenle finishes applying sunscreen. He finds himself melting and thinking a lot about what Jisung had said to him. Chenle wonders why his face is suddenly warm and how his hands are suddenly clammy when the image of Jisung’s gummy smile flashes before his mind. He tries to convince himself it’s just the heat.

Chenle is so out of it (Renjun and him had binge watched _Weightlifting Fairy: Kim Bok Joo_ last night) that he _actually_ thought he was imagining Jisung running towards him, gummy smile and all but it was no daydream, no illusion. Park Jisung was smiling brighter than starlight and his blonde hair had faded to a pale yellow.. He was bright and happy and just seeing him so made Chenle feel bright and happy as well.

“Yah!” Jisung screeched, causing the strangers who were probably just trying to enjoy the weather to stare at them. “I was just _attacked_.”

Chenle snorts, already knowing who had attacked him by the streaks of unblended sunscreen on his cheeks.

“Renjunnie-hyung is like, 40 kgs, how the _fuck_ is he so strong?” Jisung yelps, flopping down onto the towel.

“Don’t be dramatic.” Chenle tells him. “He’s at _least_ 50 kgs.”

Jisung snorts at his resort, plopping down in front of Chenle, his hands and toes automatically gravitating to the warm sand. Without even thinking, Chenle leans forward and rubs the sunscreen into his childhood friend’s face, causing the other boy to flinch at the cold sensation. Jisung scrunches up his nose and closes his eyes when Chenle rubs his skin there and Chenle is struck by the similarity of the boy in front of him and their cat friend Goku. He doesn’t feel embarrassed or even odd doing this, despite what he feels for Jisung. He feels excited, not nervous. It was never like this with Jeongin. This feels _right._

“He’s not wrong, you know.” Chenle says when he’s done, rubbing the excess on his own legs, “You need to preserve your baby skin, Sungie!”

Jisung looks a little star-struck, his soft eyes wide open, his jaw a little slack. His neck and tips ears are dipped pink, his lips a little swollen from biting and a little dry. Chenle feels the overbearing urge to lean over and close the distance between them (though in what ways, he’s unsure). Chenle breaks their eye contact and without his own control, drops his eyes to stare at Jisung’s red, slightly chapped lips.

“Am I interrupting something?” Jaemin asks, sitting down next to Chenle, like he was earlier.

Jisung turns away so quick it gives Chenle whiplash and faces his hyung but Chenle can’t help but stare at how the boy’s ears flushed like ripe berries. With a soft smile, Chenle rubs his ears, and Jisung leans into his palm, like Goku would, urging him to keep petting him.

“You’re interrupting nothing, hyung.” Chenle manages to say over his heartbeat. “Other than Renjunnie-hyung attacking Sungie with sunscreen.”

“How unfair!” Jaemin exclaims, pouting, “I want Injunnie to attack _me_ with sunscreen, not my stupid little brother.”

Chenle laughs boisterously as Jisung argues with Jaemin over his statement about Jisung being dumb.

“Did you buy the chicken?” Donghyuck asks, dragging Jeno along with him about fifteen feet away from the three of them. “I did _not_ give you my money for anything else.”

Jaemin lifts the paper bag beside him up, showing off the plastic containers of tteokbokki and chicken.

“And where’s the lemonade?” Hyuck continues to question.

“Babe, stop being difficult, it’s literally _right there_.” Jeno says, pointing at the half a dozen cups of lemonade. He turns to Jaemin, “Renjun forced sunscreen on him and now he’s irritated.”

“Wow! Same!” Jisung says, tilting his head back to ask, “Where is Renjunnie-hyung anyways.”

“By the water, taking pictures of birds.” Donghyuck smiles mischievously, “Wanna go push him into the water?”

Jeno is sighing, trying to convince his hyperactive boyfriend out of the terrible decision, though they all know it’s no use. When Lee Donghyuck wants something that’s all that’ll be on his mind.

Jisung nods excitedly, jumping up to go. Before he leaves, Jisung turns around to tell Chenle, “I’ll be back, Lele. Wait here.”

Jisung runs off with Hyuck pulling at his wrist and Jeno running after them (probably hoping to prevent Renjun from killing the two idiots).

For some reason, Chenle blushes at Jisung’s words. That statement was directed towards Chenle and Chenle alone.

Jaemin seems to be thinking the same thing, saying, “So I really don’t exist huh?”

Chenle smiles, nervously asking for a lemonade. His face was burning as he thought about how soft Jisung’s voice was when he said the endearing nickname.  

Jaemin holds the cup in his hand, but tilts his head, “Before I quench your thirst, answer a question for me, Zhong Chenle.”

Chenle snaps out of his daze, responding with a soft, “Anything.”

“You know he likes you a lot right? Like, _like_ likes you.” Jaemin’s face is dead serious and doesn’t show any humor but is soft.

“W–– who?” Chenle lies.

“You know who, you idiot. I’m gonna be gone in a year… not out of Seoul but not at school anymore. Not living with Jisung anymore. He loves you so …”

Jaemin pauses, his soft and long eyelashes fluttering shut. He looks so serene and suddenly Chenle wonders why Renjun _wouldn’t_ draw him. If Chenle wasn’t so hopelessly in love with Jisung, he would probably have developed a crush on Jaemin by now. Na Jaemin is so exquisite; it made sense that half their school was in love with him.

“You’ll take care of him right?”

Jaemin’s honest words sink in on top of Chenle’s head like dangerous crashing waves of salt water and the words are stuck in his throat for a moment. The way Jaemin spoke, it sounded like a blessing.

“I will hyung.” Chenle whispers after several long moments. The way he spoke, it sounded as if the words were sacred, a secret. “Of course I will. I–– love Jisung too.”

Chenle’s nods as he speaks and his face burns crimson, from the hot sun or his own heartbeat, he doesn’t know.

 

✰✰✰

 

A week after their trip to Busan (which ended with them having to sneak Jeno on the train because he lost his ticket and they were too broke to buy another one for him), is when Jisung sees Chenle in person again. They text all the time, and are on the phone almost as often, but Jisung had too many rehearsals that week, especially since Hina was back from her Japan trip and they could finally practice the choreo and make some final adjustments to it.

It was nice to see her, even if she patted Jisung’s head as if he were a child and even forced him to hold his arms and legs still in the middle of the song to measure his angles with a neon green protractor (which made Jaemin and Jeno laugh their asses off, being victim to the cruel and unusual punishment before).

After practice, Jisung and his hyungs promised to meet up with Renjun, Donghyuck and Chenle, who had seen a movie. It was cloudy outside and the the sky frowned as if it to warn. They met at the park near the orphanage as always and by the time they got there, Chenle had already got Goku on his lap.

“Did you buy milk? Like I asked?” Chenle demanded the second he saw Jisung.

“Wow not even a ‘hello’?” Jisung asked, sitting down on the patch of grass under the tree, in the shade, with Chenle. “Of course I did.”

Goku’s ears perk up at the mention of milk.

Chenle had a tension in his brow and his puffy lips were pouting. He fiddled with Goku’s ears in a daze, the cat meowing in irritation at his rough fingers.

 _He’s upset._ Jisung realizes, guilt blooming in his chest as he swallows the guilt of his remark.

Chenle smooths over his features when Jisung approaches, his tense brow milking itself out and his pout ironing into a timid smile. His eyes however–– they couldn’t change. When Chenle looked at Jisung, he knew a small part of the story; a variable had shown itself, yet Jisung still didn’t know the conclusive answer to the equation.

Chenle was upset, and it had something to do with Jisung.

“Hello.” Chenle says, forcing a smile as he halted his assault on Goku’s ears, “Thanks for getting the milk. Poor baby is probably so deprived.”

Jisung frowned, able to see how upset Chenle was, despite how he tried to cover it up with his easy smile and eye dimples. It almost worked and for several seconds, Jisung found himself drowning in them. What a hypnotic sea Zhong Chenle was.

But Jisung also didn’t pry. If Chenle was trying to hide whatever made him distressed, then he didn’t want Jisung to know. As much as the thought hurt Jisung, he respected Chenle’s privacy and wishes enough to not pry.

“So what’s up? How was the movie?” Jisung asks, sitting down after pouring the milk into a paper container he had found in the convenience store down the street.

Before answering, Chenle paused to watch the cat jump out of his arms, lapping at the milk happily. He was beaming. For a moment, he wasn’t upset and was genuinely happy.

Jisung is struck with a warm familiarity. He remembers a dream he had, of the _dreams_ he had, just a little over half a year ago. Jisung recalls the face of the soft boy, his cute and round nose, his perfect eyes and the dimples that lived right under them, upon his lovely cheekbones. Jisung recalls the way his touch felt, firm and not unsure, determined and wanting. He remembers the weight of the boy’s hand in his, the curve of his lips as he was pressed against them, the fluttering of their eyelashes that tickled his cheek.

Jisung remembers Chenle in his dream, because he seems just like that Chenle right now. As the beautiful Chinese boy reached down to pet Goku from the tips of his ears to the ends of his tail, as he smiled and beamed as if the sun resided inside him, Jisung can’t help but be reminded the Chenle of his dreams. The Chenle that was his.

Somehow this Chenle seemed somehow even more radiant, even more pretty, even more simply … beautiful.

Jisung spent many long minutes watching as Chenle’s mouth moved, how he pronounced his vowels a little different and how when he spoke long enough, quickly enough, his accent would slip through, just a bit. Jisung thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

“Sungie?” Chenle turns to Jisung, a small frown on his face, his face questioning.

 _Shit_. Jisung thinks to himself.

“You weren’t paying attention to what I was saying at _all_ , were you?” Chenle huffs, his fingers leaving Goku and returning to himself. He curls himself next to the bench and stares in front of him. He wasn’t looking at Jisung. “What was the point of even asking…”

“Sorry, Lele.” Jisung mumbles, a blush of guilt fading into his ears. “I got distracted. I _do_ care though.”

“It’s fine.” Chenle continued watching their hyungs in the distance, though he reached a single hand out to scratch behind Goku’s ears. “What were you thinking about?”

All the air and words get caught in Jisung’s throat and suddenly he’s nervously sweating.

 _Shit._ Jisung thinks again. _Was it that obvious?_

Jisung’s heartbeat is loud in his ears and his throat is dry and his cheeks are pink. He can’t think of any lie plausible enough to tell and all he can do is wait for Chenle’s response to his silence.

“Were you thinking about Hina-shi?” Chenle asks.

Jisung’s mind goes blank. What the fuck? _What?_

“I––if you like her… you should ask her out.” Chenle says.

“What?” Jisung says before he realized he hadn’t vocalized his thoughts.

“Jaemin sent me a video and––”

“He _what_?” Jisung asked, a new redness blooming across his face.

Chenle sighed, pulling Goku onto his lap. “He sent me a video of you two today and you looked so happy and if you like her––”

“I don’t like her!”

“It’s okay if you do!”

“But I _don’t_ .” Jisung’s anger is hot and red and lashes out in ways he didn’t think it ever could, “I–– I’m not like _you_ , okay?”

Chenle snaps his head back at Jisung, face red with anger too. Jisung could almost imagine steam coming out of the boy’s ears but he was too frustrated with his pent up anger to stop himself from talking.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chenle demanded.

“I––I mean,” Jisung stutters over his words in a fury, “I’m going to keep the promise! The one I made in m––middle school! Unlike _you_!”

Chenle’s face melts and Jisung suddenly feels a strange mixture of guilt and responsibility. He didn’t really know when or why or how Chenle and Jeongin broke up, just that one day they did. Jisung had hit the wrong button and he felt so _terrible_. He could see the tears form quickly before Chenle blinked them away.

“I didn’t realize you care who I date.” Chenle says, his voice lacking all the anger from before, “So I was trying not to care who _you_ date. That promise wasn’t fair to you!”

“Yeah?” Jisung musters all the courage that his scrawny ass can manage, “Well I _do_ care.”

Chenle drops Goku suddenly, moving to sit up with Jisung quickly, his eyes were wide and his lips were parted.

Jisung knew this look. Chenle wanted something.

He’s seen this look when he pegged Mrs. Huang to let Jisung stay over during Christmas break in middle school when Renjun and Jaemin were at Jeno’s with Donghyuck. Jisung has seen this look when Chenle looked at the cashier who works in the corner store, his puppy eyes begging for milk that would be Goku’s lunch. Sometimes, Jisung sees that want when Chenle looked at him, as if it was Jisung that he desired. In those moments, Jisung knew he was just seeing what he wanted to.

“Is that why you didn’t like Jeongin?”

Jisung is taken back but he couldn’t bring himself to deny it. Jisung decided he couldn’t lie to Chenle, not when he looked like that, not when he wanted like that.

“Yeah.” Jisung bites his bottom lip nervously. “I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. It should be me. _I’m_ sorry.” Chenle shifted until he was shoulder to shoulder with Jisung, their hands so close yet so far away. “It wasn’t serious. It was… it was just a fling. Like … experience for the _real_ thing.”

 _The real thing?_ Jisung thought to himself. _Is there another boy he didn’t know about?_

Jisung can’t really bring himself to speak a single word. The revelation was too aweing to be spoken aloud.

“It didn’t mean anything!” Chenle adds quickly when he saw Jisung’s face fall, “But anyways… is that why you don’t date anyone?”

Jisung’s head is still spinning and he says halfheartedly, “I don’t wanna date anyone except you, much less a _girl_.”

Chenle is looking at him weirdly and before Jisung realized what he had said, Chenle says a quiet but firm, “What?”

It goes by so quickly and Jisung’s face is hot and he feels like there’s now steam coming out of _his_ ears, “What do you mean?”

Chenle seems to consider it. Jisung doesn’t even know what he had said moments ago.

“You’re _gay_?” He asks.

And Jisung’s heart drops. After three years of trying to hide it … Chenle finally found out.

It didn’t feel like how Jisung thought it would. He had always imagined it being catastrophic, terrible and great. Jisung thought the sky would collapse upon itself and the sun would no longer rise. It wasn’t any of those things though.

Maybe Donghyuck was right. Maybe this pill was a lot easier to swallow than others.

“Yeah.” Jisung breathes out. “I am.”

Jisung turns to realize that Goku has left because they stopped petting him and he drank all the milk. He can’t bring himself to look at Chenle any longer. Not when Chenle’s pink lips were parted like that, not when his eyes were sparkling like that.

“A–– and the other part?” Chenle asks. It sounds forced. “About me?”

“What about you?”

Before Jisung could even give the question another thought, rain comes pouring down and Jisung is thankful. It cools him down and soaks him until he feels mellow. Until his face wasn’t red hot anymore.

Jisung didn’t realize the other part of his coming out. They don’t talk about it again for a long time.

 

✰✰✰

 

Chenle doesn’t realize it was happening until Renjun confronts him about it.

They’re in the park (as usual … none of Chenle and his friends are ever really anywhere else) and Renjun is trying to get Hyuck to sit long enough to sketch him.

“Are y’all dating yet?” Renjun says after bribing Donghyuck with chocolate milk.

Chenle gasps louder than expected, ready to yell at his older cousin for saying such a thing out loud, but Jisung, Jaemin and Jeno whip their heads over when they hear Chenle so he tries to calm himself down.

“We _aren’t_!” Chenle whisper yells.

Donghyuck and Renjun share a knowing glance at one another (something they do so often in front of Chenle he’s convinced they can read each other’s minds).

“Don’t be oblivious Zhong Chenle.” Donghyuck says, trying his best not to move his legs (which is what Renjun was drawing) and sipping his chocolate milk. “Jisung’s _so_ into you. And anyone with half a brain cell knows you like him too.”

“ _Hyung_!” Chenle groans. “Y–– you can’t go around saying things like that!”

“Why not?” Donghyuck inquires.

“It’s the truth.” Renjun adds mindlessly, going back to outlining Hyuck’s dainty ankle with a half sharpened pencil, blowing the eraser shavings off of his paper.

Chenle’s face heats up even more and he struggles to form his thoughts into coherent words, stuttering and blushing.

Being in love with Jisung is one thing, but Jisung being in love with him is another, and them being in love _and_ dating? That must be the lives of some alternate universe Chenle and Jisung. Maybe one where their friendship didn’t mean as much, where there was less at risk.

“B–– because, well I mean–– it’s just––”

“Lele.”

 _Speak of the devil_. Chenle thinks.

“Yeah?” Chenle says breathily, turning to Jisung behind him.

He can hear Donghyuck and Renjun’s obnoxious laughter but ignores it. Thankfully so does Jisung.

“Let’s go get coffee.” Jisung tilts his head and glances at Renjun and Hyuck, who looked at him with ridiculous puppy eyes. “We’ll get some for hyungs too.”

Chenle is still left blabbering and blushing from the bomb Renjun dropped on him, barely able to form words. Jisung looked so beautiful, so _ridiculously_ pretty with his summer tan and mochi eyes, that Chenle was having trouble thinking straight.

Renjun seems to notice his frustration and gives him a shove forward, jaring and shaking Chenle out of his daze.

“O–– okay.” Chenle mumbles.

He continues to fumble with his things, his brain too scattered to even function properly.

 _God._ Chenle thinks to himself, _Why would Renjun-gē say that?_

“Lele you’re taking too long.” Jisung takes hold of his arm suddenly and with in a single swoop, yanks Chenle onto his feet. “Just leave your stuff here. I can’t hold all the drinks by myself anyways.”

“O–– okay.” Chenle says, not letting go of Jisung’s hand.

“Is that all you know how to say?” He hears Donghyuck yell before Renjun slaps him on the head for moving.

“What were you guys talking about anyways?” Jisung asks, still holding Chenle’s hand as they wait for the crosswalk light to turn green. He’s smiling but his eyes are nervous and yet suspecting. “You look really … flustered.”

“N–– nothing!”

The light turns green and Jisung is again tugging Chenle along. It makes Chenle almost nostalgic. When he first came to Korea, Jisung used to always be holding his hand like this. As they got older and Chenle began to learn more Korean and opened up more, it was him that began holding Jisung’s hand and dragging him around. Around sixth grade, they stopped doing it because people would stare too much. Chenle hasn’t held Jisung’s hand in so long he almost forgot what it felt like.

But it’s still almost the same. Jisung’s hands are still so much bigger than his and they’re still a little dry but very warm. It was lovely.

“Nothing.” Chenle says as calmly as possible. “All they do is baby me nowadays. Just because they’re all going off the college, hyungs think we’re aging backwards or something.”

“They always baby me.” Jisung huffs. “Jaemin thinks I’m gonna starve to death without him. How ridiculous is that?”

“Jisung…” Chenle turns to him with a feigned worried expression.

Jisung looks worried, “What? What’s wrong?”

“You’re not gonna starve to death, you’re gonna die of food poisoning!”

“What?” Jisung huffs as they get into the _Starbucks_ and wait in line, “No I won’t! I’m not stupid!”

“Aren’t you?” Chenle grins as Jisung pouts harder, “You ate a two week old pizza slice once.”

“It tasted fine!” Jisung says, red faced as Chenle giggles.

“You went to the hospital!” Chenle cuts him off before he could defend himself. “And what about that time you burned an egg so badly that it––”

Jisung pulls Chenle with their connected hands until Chenle almost trips over his feet and puts his free hand over Chenle’s mouth.

“Hush!” Jisung says, but he’s smiling too.

From up close, Chenle can see how much skinnier Jisung’s face has gotten, almost all his cute baby fat disappeared and replaced a hard jawline and soft cheekbones. He’s completely and utterly breathtaking.

Jisung smirks at Chenle’s shocked expression and lets go abruptly when he realizes how close they are.

“Lele you order, I have to use the bathroom really quick.”

Jisung tries to shove some crumpled up bills in Chenle’s hands but Chenle shoves them back. He has a card his parents fill up with his allowance monthly anyways.

“Shut up Sungie.” Chenle pushes him towards the bathroom. “I don’t need your money. I’m the rich friend y’all use for free food anyways remember?”

Jisung groans but doesn’t deny it, and lets go of Chenle’s hand. He walked into a table because he was busy sticking his tongue out at Chenle instead of going to the bathroom. Chenle was too busy laughing to notice that it was his turn in the line and the woman behind him not-so-kindly told him to move forward.  

Chenle smiled sheepishly at the cashier before mumbing out his order (six iced americanos, three extra shots for Jaemin, one less for Jeno, light ice for Jisung). The cashier girl (who was at _least_ in her second year of university) was giving him an odd smile.

“Uh, that’s it.” Chenle said as he searched his pockets for his wallet.

 _Fuck, did I leave it at home?_ He thought to himself. He reached into his front pocket. _Ah-ha!_

“Is that boy your boyfriend?” The cashier girl asked suddenly.

Chenle blinked at her dumbly. _What?_

“Don’t do that!” She giggled. “I’m sorry if I’m intruding … but you two are just _so_ cute!”

“I–– thanks?” Chenle says, handing her the card.

He thinks about it. Donghyuck and Renjun are one thing; they’re Chenle’s hyungs, his _friends_ , so of course they would indulge his fat crush on Jisung. But this random ass stranger? What would she know … unless they really do look like a couple?

Unless she could tell not only that Chenle liked Jisung but maybe, just maybe, Jisung liked him back.

The thought is almost unthinkable.

Chenle bites his lip, hiding his smile shyly. “I hope he will be soon.”

She winks at him and hands him his card and receipt and Chenle waits at the other end of the counter for their drinks.

Even by the time Jisung comes back, Chenle can’t hide his smile.

Jisung carries their hyungs’ drinks in a cardboard drink carrier (saying he feels bad for not paying). Chenle takes Jisung and his own cup, holding one in each hand. Chenle finds himself sad that they aren’t holding hands.

“You know I’ve learned to skate?” Jisung says as they wait for the crosswalk light to turn green. “Jeno-hyung has been teaching me.”

“Is this gonna work out better than when Jeno-hyung tried to teach you to b-boy?”

Jisung rolls his eyes at the mention of the incident. A couple weeks ago, Jeno had tried to teach Jisung to b-boy and the whole ordeal ended with a bruise across Jeno’s cheekbone (from Jisung _kicking_ him), Donghyuck nearly crying when his ‘baby’ got hurt and Jisung having a new _very permanent_ scar on his forearm. _To remind me never to listen to Jeno-hyung again_ he had said.

Apparently, the scar’s reminder was fruitless.

“Don’t you think you’re bullying me too much today?” Jisung pouts again. Chenle finds himself shoving Jisung’s light ice americano into his face. If Jisung kepting pouting Chenle wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

“Hmmm, not anymore than usual?” Chenle says as Jisung practically chugs the drink or as well as he could manage through the straw.

Jisung sets the drink carrier down next to Renjun and the two youngest watch as their hyungs lunge of the coffee as if their bodies were dying for caffeine. Renjun doesn’t even bother yelling at Donghyuck when he moves to get the coffee.

“Hyung!” Jisung yells out in Jeno’s direction (interrupting Lee Donghyuck’s attempts to get his boyfriend to show PDA). Jeno looks almost glad and ruffles Donghyuck’s hair as he turns his attention to Jisung. Donghyuck is glaring at them as they approach.

“What?” Jeno calls out, looking only slightly irritated as Hyuck whines and pulls Jeno tighter onto his lap.

Renjun makes an irritated noise along the lines of, “Lee Donghyuck, I asked for _one_ (1) thing…”

“Can I borrow your board?” Jisung asks as sweetly as he can muster. He has that loveable yet stupid look on his face where he smiles all gummy and his eyes are crinkled. Maybe he’s biased but Chenle would say yes to anything Jisung asked if he looked at Chenle like that.

Jeno groans some more. “Why not Jaem’s?”

“He went off somewhere to play with a lost puppy he found!” Jisung says, then whines, “ _Hyung_!”

Chenle notices how his gēgē’s ears basically perk up at the mention (of the puppy or of Jaemin, Chenle is unsure) and collects his art supplies silently and walks off to the other side of the park.

Donghyuck mumbles something in Jeno’s ear and wraps his legs around Jeno’s waist from behind him, snuggling his nose into Jeno’s neck. Whatever Hyuck says makes Jeno blush from the tips of his ears to his nose. Chenle wondered what it would be like to have that much power over a boy.

Jisung and Chenle gag in unison. Lee Donghyuck might be the most disgusting person in existence.

Jeno blinked blankly before yelling out, “Take it!”

Jisung turns to Chenle and grins mischievously. “Let me teach you to skate!”

Donghyuck lifts his head from Jeno’s neck to say, “Ew my gross boyfriend has corrupted your’s! Abort mission!”

Chenle starts making panicked gay gestures at Hyuck, not even noticing how Jisung’s face was ridiculously red. The _third_ time today!

“L–– let’s go Sungie.” Chenle mumbles.

Jisung nods and they both try to ignore their hyungs laughing and teasing them.

It seems simple enough watching Jisung do it. He steps on the board as if he’s never even walked in his life and zooms past Chenle smoothly. Jisung looked so pretty that Chenle pulled out his phone and took videos and pictures when Jisung wasn’t looking. His face was of a warm bliss and he seemed so happy. It wasn’t the harsh concentration and stoic passion Jisung radiated when he danced. It was easy and calm, like a gentle summer sizzle over the dry summer cement.

It _seemed_ simple.

Getting on the board was a nightmare and it didn’t help that Jisung held Chenle’s hand the entire time. Chenle tried to concentrate on balancing his feet on the board, looking hard down at the ground but he could when he could feel how intensely Jisung was watching him, how tenderly Jisung was holding his hands.

Chenle stood still on it as Jisung walked him down the sidewalk, their coffees almost forgotten and melting a couple feet behind them. On the skateboard, Chenle was a little taller than Jisung and for once felt like the hyung. He wondered quietly to himself, what would happen if he leaned down and kissed him right now?

“Enough!” Chenle says suddenly after ten minutes of Jisung holding and guiding him, “Okay, okay… I got it Sungie.”

Jisung smiles up warmly at him and it stops Chenle’s heart and restarts it. They’re so close again and Chenle can smell the coffee in Jisung’s breath and see Jaemin’s orange-pink tint on his lips. Again, Chenle wondered what could happen if he kissed Jisung right now. Would he taste like bitter coffee or sweet berries? Would he be warm like sunlight or a cool breeze? Would Jisung kiss him back or ….

Jisung lets go of his hand and simply says, “Okay Lele, you can go ahead and try.”

Chenle actually _isn’t_ ready and _doesn’t_ got it but if he held Jisung’s hand for any longer he would overheat and begin to malfunction. Chenle hastily kicks off, stretching his arms out to balance himself and trying his best to not fall on his ass.

It doesn’t work.

Chenle can see the rock before he feels it but he doesn’t know how to lean his weight yet so he just squeezes his eyes shut and hopes for the best. It’s either he attempts to swerve and  _definitely_ falls or tries to run over the rock and _maybe_ fall. The lesser of two evils.

He falls either way. Chenle skids and then falls nearly face first if not for his quick instincts to protect what Renjun calls his baby skin.

Chenle’s eyes tear up a bit from the scratches and cement burn but he finds himself laughing. Full bellied, whole bodied, laughing. He can hear Jeno and Donghyuck in the distance laughing too and from somewhere slightly closer he can hear Jaemin and Renjun joining it.

“We finally found something Chenle couldn’t do!” Jaemin yells out, running towards them with a cute lost puppy and Renjun (who also looked like a cute lost puppy) chasing after him.

“Shut up hyung!” Chenle calls over his fit of laughter, “I could have _died_.”

“Don’t you remember the time you pushed me down the stairs in downtown Hong Kong when we were younger?” Renjun raises a teasing and all-knowing eyebrow. “The _cement_ stairs?”

“And that’s why you’re so ugly now, _gēgē_!” Chenle pauses, “Oh god, what if I had ruined my face?”

“There wasn’t anything to ruin in the first place you brat!” Renjun tells him.

But there’s one person who doesn’t find the ordeal funny: Park Jisung.

“Lele are you alright?” He yelled, “Oh god, your knee! Your arm!”

Chenle is still laughing but manages to looks down and sees that his knee _is_ pretty badly torn up, blood already starting to pool and drip down his calf. His arm wasn’t much better and hurt to move. Maybe there’s a scratch or two on his cheekbone too but Chenle couldn’t care less. The whole situation was so _ridiculous_ that it was _funny_.

“Zhong Chenle! Why are you laughing?” Jisung said as he ran over to Chenle.

“It doesn’t even hurt that––” Chenle let out a yelp as Jisung gently tugged him to his feet.

Jisung rolled his eyes, “Oh? What was that about it not hurting?”

Chenle glared at him but not unkindly, “That much. It doesn’t even hurt _that much_.”

Donghyuck is leaning over the two of them by the time they struggle over to the picnic blanket and he winks mischievously at Chenle.

“Actually he’s bleeding pretty badly.” Donghyuck says, this time to Jisung.

Renjun catches on almost disturbingly quick and is also looking at Chenle like _that_ . He wondered how the two of them were so synced up. It was _scary_ how they knew what the other was thinking just like that.

“Yeah.” Renjun pretends to scold Jisung, “Hey Jisung since it’s your fault Chenle got hurt, you should take him to get bandages.”

“But––” Chenle starts.

“I don’t even think he can walk.” Donghyuck interrupts, “You should carry him, you know, since it’s _your_ fault.”

Chenle is internally screaming at this point (maybe even _externally_ ), glaring at his hyungs so hard that he’s scared his eyeballs will fall out.

“Jisung I’m––”

“No, hyungs are right. It’s my fault.” Jisung is already squatting down in front of Chenle. “Get on my back, I’ll piggyback ride you to the orphanage, come on.”

Renjun shoved Chenle onto Jisung’s back and quite aggressively at that. Jisung got up almost immediately, his arms wrapped under Chenle’s thighs and Chenle’s skinny arms slung tightly around his shoulders. When had they gotten so broad?

Chenle buried his head into the nape of Jisung’s and groaned in frustration at his hyungs’ teasing. For their last year of high school, they were the most immature and obnoxious people on earth. How were such things even possible?

“Lele it’s okay…” Jisung coos, “Stop groaning it’s tickling.”

“They’re so fucking annoying.” Chenle lifts his head to say, chin on Jisung’s shoulder.

Jisung laughs a little, adjusting Chenle on his back. They were halfway to the small stone building. “I know.”

“And it’s so _embarrassing_.”

“Don’t worry about it Lele.” Jisung hums, “It was cute.”

Chenle suddenly doesn’t feel so talkative. Jisung has to stop saying shit like this before Chenle’s heart explodes.

When they get into the building, Jisung makes a b-line for the kitchen and places Chenle on one of the table tops, quietly going to find the first aid kit. Chenle has only been in the orphanage a handful of times but it’s still exactly like he remembers. A creaky old building but adorably adorned with paintings done by some toddlers and a couple trophies from sports and art classes. There was a white board on the kitchen door with what looked like a sign-in schedule mapped out.

Jisung came around the corner before Chenle could think anymore of the cute stickers around Jisung’s name or the way the room smelled like kimchi jjigae.

“And anyways, it’s my fault.” Jisung mumbles, standing in between Chenle’s legs like it was the most natural thing in the world. In this position, Chenle towered over Jisung. “It was my dumb idea.”

Chenle is about to respond about how it definitely _isn’t_ Jisung’s fault but Jisung is holding one of those anti-bacterial wipes that sting like a bitch, ready to press it against Chenle’s knees.

Chenle’s knee jerked out of instinct, hitting Jisung’s wrist and making the wipe go flying across the room.

“Park Jisung you get that shit away from me it’s gonna _hurt_.”

Jisung rolled his eyes as he began to grab another one. “Look, we need to clean the bacteria out of it or it’ll––”

Chenle smacked it out of his hand stubbornly. “ _No_.”

Jisung sighs, going to recover the wipe and giving Chenle his own stubborn look. His eyes were so pretty, Chenle realized as the taller boy stared up at him. Jisung gently takes Chenle’s hands in his and for a second Chenle forgets about the blood dripping down his calf, forgets about the tingly feeling of his palms, forgets about _everything_. He can only see Jisung.

Jisung’s eyes are looking at Chenle with something he’s never seen before. Did Jisung’s eyes glint with something new, or was Chenle imagining it?

He finds his hands sliding over Jisung’s shoulders and he blinks. When his eyes open again, there’s a comforting and soft smile across Jisung’s face, teasing yet gentle. It’s familiar and calms Chenle’s heart down from the shining expression Jisung wore before.

“You can hold onto me,” He finally says, “It’ll hurt less then.”

“W––what?” Chenle lets one hand fall to his side, “T––that’s _gay_.”

Jisung stares at him for a little before bursting out in laughter, so hard that Chenle can feel it in the pulse of his shoulders. Chenle’s cheeks burn at the realization of what he had said. The words came out like a knee-jerk reflex.

Jisung looks surprised before staring at Chenle accusingly, “Lele I hate to break it to you, but _you’re_ gay.”

“ _And_? What about it Park Jisung?”

Jisung starts tickling his sides rather aggressively, making Chenle squirm until he’s half off the counter and only several inches from falling, again.

“Okay!” Chenle swats Jisung’s hands away from himself, “I surrender!”

Chenle reluctantly puts _one_ hand on Jisung’s shoulder (which is more firm and less boney than he remembers) because two _would_ be gay.

And maybe the alcohol wipes only hurt a _tiny_ bit and Chenle was just being a baby but hell if he was gonna let Jisung know that. Chenle flinches and groans in an exaggerated fashion, feigning discomfort by frowning deeply and scrunching his nose.

He’s just messing with Jisung and Jisung knows it too until Jisung daps a wipe gently against Chenle’s cheek. Chenle finds himself hissing in pain, nose scrunching and eyes shutting.

“Shit.” He hears Jisung mutter. Then, aloud, “Are you alright? Did it hurt?”

 _Fuck you, Park Jisung._ Chenle thinks. _How could you make even_ swearing _seem attractive_.

“A little.” He replies instead.

Jisung moves on quickly, placing pink _Hello Kitty_ themed bandaids all over Chenle’s knees and a yellow ones on his cheek and palms before taking Chenle’s hands tenderly in his. Jisung’s hands are soft yet callused all over especially around his fingers, and the base of his palm.

“Zhong Chenle, be careful next time.”

There’s a delicate tenderness in that moment that Chenle wishes he could preserve forever. There’s a quiet reluctance in Jisung’s dark eyes as he looks down at Chenle’s hands, like the slow melting snow in between spring and winter. Chenle is holding his breath, trying to preserve the summer dew in the air, the smell of Jisung and the taste of iced americano in his mouth. He wants to commit this moment to memory. Chenle wants this moment to last forever, for the rest of their lives.

They stand there, hands wrapped around one another’s, silently, for an undetermined length of time. When Chenle can’t hold his breath any longer is when Jisung does something. The taller boy lifts their hands and opens Chenle’s up to his lips and they blossom like flowers under the sun for him. Softly, like the cloud grazing the surface of the sky, Jisung leaves open mouthed kisses on the _Hello Kitty_ bandaids.

 _One. Two._ Jisung lips press against Chenle’s hands there not once, but _twice_.

“I don’t ever want you to be hurt again.” Jisung says, and his breath fans over Chenle’s skin like prickles of electricity. Is this what the skies feel like, when lightning kisses clouds?

In that moment, there was never a person who loved another as much as Chenle loved Jisung.

 

✰✰✰

 

At the end of July, Chenle drags Jisung out to a pizzaria he saw on Instagram that apparently has really cute neon lights and cacti everywhere. They decide to take their bikes, since it’s warm out and the bus is always stuffed with people this time of year. It’s also conveniently only two blocks from a movie theatre. So with the sun beating down the backs and shoulders, Jisung and Chenle bike to the movies.

Chenle is wearing an orange hoodie that makes his hair look lighter than usual and light blue jeans, his favorite yellow vans on. He smiles like the sun as they decide to race through the park and his eyes twinkle in the warm sunlight. Jisung smiles back at him, and he knows that this is love.

When they get to the pizzaria, they chain their bikes to a lamp post and go into the red brick building, gasping and relieved of the hot Seoul heat. Jisung immediately rushes to the table in the back-right corner of the room, right under the air conditioning vent. Chenle is in line mouthing at Jisung from across the restaurant frantically.

“What?” Jisung mouths back.

Chenle rolls his eyes and says it again, accentuating every syllable.

“Pepperoni or sausage?”

Jisung raises his eyebrows, “ _Both_?”

Chenle gives him a thumbs up in his own awkward way before getting chided by the man behind him for not going when it was his turn.

Jisung scrolls through his camera roll, trying to decide which picture of Goku and Chenle he should post to SNS (his account honestly isn’t even his anymore). After about five minutes, Chenle flops down in the seat across Jisung, setting a number on their table. He has something else in his hand though, two straws and that’s when Jisung notices the obnoxiously pink milkshake next to the number.

Chenle smiles at him sheepishly. “I didn’t have enough for two mediums so I got a large.” There’s a hesitant pause, like Chenle wasn’t sure what to say but he finally asks, “You like strawberry right?”

But Jisung could not care any less about the flavor about the (probably _very_ artificial) milkshake in between the two. All Jisung can think about is Chenle’s shy smile and how cute his eye dimples are as he puts the two straws into the milkshake.

As they’re waiting for the pizza to come out, Jisung asks for his polaroid, which is securely stashed away in Chenle’s backpack. Chenle poses cutely for pictures; sipping on the milkshake with his wide innocent boy eyes, smiling sweetly like morning dew on blades of grass, attempting to wink until his eyes were pressed like flowers between pages of the most beautiful books in the universe.

When Chenle decides five pictures of him is enough, he snatches the polaroid from Jisung’s hands and pushes the milkshake towards him. “Your turn Sungie.”

Jisung awkwardly smiles at the camera, doing god-knows-what with his ridiculously large hands. The milkshake actually doesn’t taste _horrible_ , only mildly artificial tasting.

Jisung closes his eyes and sips the drink, hands cupping his cheeks in a way he hoped was cute and enduring. Instead of a click, he’s met with a nose pressed against his own. He opens his eyes to see Chenle’s piercing his with a calm yet determined amount of love. It takes Jisung’s breath away.

“I wish hyungs were here to take a picture of us.” Chenle says after he takes his sip, though he doesn’t withdraw back to his position.

Jisung can only manage to nod dumbly.

By the time the pizza comes out, hot and steaming and covered in melted mozzarella and parmesan cheese, the hard expression in Chenle’s eyes has melted away and a soft happiness replaced it. He’s taking pictures excitedly of the pizza before cutting into it.

Even with pizza sauce on his cheek, Jisung still thought Chenle was the prettiest boy in the whole world.

When they finish the pizza (which was as tall as Chenle’s middle finger, they measured), they decide to bike to the movies to catch one of the afternoon shows.

Numerous movies are out at the time, _Spiderman: Homecoming_ (which Jaemin-hyung had _loved_ and forced all five of them to go see it with him not once, not twice, but _thrice_ ), a couple rom-coms that looked too gross to watch (so Donghyuck-hyung’s favorites; he probably will force Jeno to one on a date) and _Moana_ , which Chenle, Jisung, Renjun and Jaemin had seen last week.

Chenle was quiet as Jisung suggested a Japanese zombie movie that was out but when he turned to Chenle, his face was stern.

“You want to see _Moana_ again, don’t you.” Jisung accused.

Chenle smiles guiltily.

“B–– but Sungie!” Chenle protested, “This time it’s in 3D! _Please_?”

When Chenle whined, his voice rang like a bell and as if under hypnosis, Jisung melted under the ringing.

Jisung suddenly didn’t care about the Japanese zombie movie anymore (which he was kind of excited to see or whatever). He could hear Jaemin’s voice in the back of his head calling him whipped. It didn’t matter. His hyung _is_ right anyways.

So they stumble into the theater to see _Moana_ for the second time that week. Chenle is holding onto a cherry coke slushie and a bag of sour candies that Jisung had bought at the snack bar. He’s been working at a 7/11 down the street from the park in the mornings of weekends, so he paid for their tickets and snacks.

Jisung finds himself spacing out during the movies, unable to focus on Moana or her cute chicken or the weirdly bulky demigod. He found himself not listening to the catchy songs beings sung but rather Chenle singing under his breath to it instead, his voice lovely and bright, like the first ounce of sunlight pouring over the world at dawn. Chenle’s head rested against Jisung’s shoulder and his mouth so close that Jisung could feel the vowels and harmonies of Chenle’s vocal cords against his skin.

Chenle is also one of those people who talk through the entire movie, making ridiculous side comments that would be so annoying if it weren’t so enduring.

Things like: “Sungie, Sungie, the chicken reminds me of Renjun-hyung” and, “Jisung-ah on a scale of one to ten how hot do you think the demi-god is?”

Sometimes Jisung gives him soft responses like “That chicken is the animated reincarnation of Renjun-hyung” but other times he’s too flustered to respond and just shushes Chenle like any other person would.  

By the time the mother-island-lady rises, Jisung is tearing up a little but he can’t particularly tell why. He turns and sees that Chenle is already staring at him, wobbly-lipped and teary-eyed. He looks so pretty when he’s crying and Jisung realizes that he hasn’t seen Chenle cry in so long that the had forgotten what it looked like, which should be a good thing on the mostpart. But there’s something so breathtakingly _gorgeous_ about the flush that stems from the high point of the boy’s cheeks to the tips of his nose. There’s something devastatingly lovely about the way Chenle’s tears look like pearls as they roll down his porcelain glass skin and down his elegantly curved chin and jaw. And _god_ , his lips; bitten and red and bruised but glossy and glowing with an almost ethereal energy, like the nectar of the gods personified.

For a moment, Chenle seems completely transparent, like a figure carved from stained glass windows; Jisung could see all the colors of emotions in Chenle in that moment. He could see the rushes of sweet pink and the deep velvet of burgundy and purples and most of all, there was a rush of honey gold that blinded Jisung’s vision.

Wordlessly, Jisung lifts the seat divider between the two (which Jisung had been silently calling a homophobic and anti-Jisung being the entire time) and Chenle pulls him so close _so_ quickly that it’s a little startling and hugs Jisung against his chest as though Jisung is his favorite teddy bear.

So that’s how they end up for the last thirty minutes of the movie, and even the fifteen minutes of ending credits: Jisung tucked under Chenle’s chin and against his collarbone, harboring only shallow breaths of air because if he exhaled too suddenly, he might blow the moment away.

When all the lights in the theatre turn on again and Chenle turns to Jisung and a rush of cherry blossoms fly through the atmosphere of the room. Chenle reaches down to wipe Jisung’s tears away softly, his smile soft and familiar. It’s all Jisung ever wanted and for the first time in a long time, Jisung feels so happy his heart could burst.

Jisung wasn’t even afraid of it anymore. He didn’t care if Chenle broke his heart, he didn’t care if Chenle ripped it to pieces; Chenle could do whatever he wanted with what was his. Jisung didn’t care anymore.

 _Break it._ Jisung thought as Chenle looked down at him. _My heart is yours to do what you want with._

 

✰✰✰

 

When they leave the theatre for the Huang residence (Mr. and Mrs. Huang were in Thailand for their anniversary), the first summer storm had begun in full sweep. Jisung suggested calling a taxi but Chenle was grinning at him mischievously, his smile a sliver of moonlight against the rain.

“You want to bike home don’t you?” Jisung asked, tilting his head.

Chenle smiled even wider and his eyes formed into crescents. “It’s only a couple streets down.”

The smaller boy exits the ledge of the theatre block abruptly, leaving Jisung with no choice but to follow him. Chenle is laughing and yelling, turning back to smile at Jisung so brightly that Jisung almost falls off his bike and into the road.

Chenle is radiant in the dim street lights of Seoul, his smile like a lightning, his eyes flashing like the bright flowers of summer and his lips soaked in rainwater like nectar. He’s so pretty that Jisung thinks he’s hallucinating a little.

And Chenle’s laughter and hollering is infectious and echoes past the deafening pounding of the storm. Halfway through Jisung realizes he’s laughing and _oh_ , he’s so happy that it hurts. To be this happy, to be his radiant, to be warm inside when the skies are crying; what more could Jisung ask for when his heart is beating and his skin is warm?

What more could Jisung ask for than this: the summer rain and first dates and strawberry milkshakes and Zhong Chenle and the water streaming down his face like liquid moonlight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so you finished it ... how was it? please let me know in the comments i'm genuinely curious hehe. one more chapter left lovely readers!! i have two months left until i graduate high school and one of my goals by the end of may (other than getting my license and getting my diploma lmao) is finishing this story!! i obviously have had the outline written for months so now so all i have to do is transfer those ideas into a chapter!! stay tuned for this soon (ノ・∀・)ノ

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed love, please leave kudos and comments for me! you can also talk to me on at my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/amjikiri) or dm me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/riotquirk) !!!!


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